It's here.  The hard, difficult, don't want to do it part of foster care is here.  Transitioning a child who has lived in our home, as one of us, for over two years back home.  

People keep asking me how I feel.  I think sometimes they expect me to break down right there into a puddle of mush.  Sometimes they look at me like I'm crazy.  

I feel a lot of things, a lot of varying, even contradicting things.  

I feel hopeful that a family is being restored.  I feel sad that my family is shrinking.  

I feel some measure of relief as we will soon take a break from living under the microscope of case workers for a little while.  I feel anxious to know what our life will look like 6 months from now.   

I feel thankful that God saw fit to give me 25+ months of loving one child.  I feel heartbroken when I think of month 1,2,3 . . . Without this child. 

I feel helpless as I comfort a confused toddler during this transition.  I feel confident that God is sovereign even in the midst of circumstances that seem impossibly difficult.

I feel like smacking that person who said to me for the umpteenth time, "isn't this going to be so hard on you guys.". I feel thankful for grace when I say and think dumb things.

I feel confident that My God has a plan for our good and for His glory even when this is really difficult.  I feel envious that His plan for our family includes saying goodbye when His plan for others does not.  

I'm sure I feel a thousand other things.  Just stick around for a little bit, I'm sure something else will surface.  But here's the thing, how I "feel" is not to be trusted.  My feelings can be swayed, influenced, diminished, and changed.  What I cling to everyday are the things I know:

I know God is sovereign over joys and sufferings.
I know that we have been obedient to Him during this time.  
I know we have shown His love to this little one and little ones family as best we know how.
God works all things together for good.  Even hard things. Maybe even especially hard things.