Roller Coaster

I think God used the last decade of our life to prepare us to be foster parents. He worked quietly and steadily to mold us and teach us things that we would not have learned if we did not go through certain trials. So today I find myself thankful for situations and disappointments that rocked my faith at the time. I find myself thankful for irresolvable infertility and a long, difficult adoption. Both of those journeys taught me that God is sovereign over all things. He is faithful even when I find myself in circumstances that I do not understand.

They say foster care is a roller coaster ride. All I know to do is trust my God who is sovereign over all things, even roller coasters.

This little one who is here now will not remember us or his time here. There really is no way to prepare a little one for this situation.

He has grown and recovered so much here. I see glimpses of the fruit of what he has learned with us, and that encourages me. I know he cannot remember us because he is too young. I do hope some of the lessons of our home will go with him deep in his heart. Just a few off the top of my head:

1. Families do not hurt one another.
2. Saying "please","thank you", and "I'm sorry" is important
3. It's okay to trust and love other people.
4. Be thankful to God for our food. (he has started bowing his head when we pray, too precious)
5. "Jesus Loves Me this I know for the Bible tells me so".
6. You are wonderful and special and priceless.


I love being a foster mom. It is hard. Helping a child even start to recover from abuse or negleect is overwhelming. But having a front row seat to see them laugh, love, and grow without reservation is worth the hard. Knowing they have experienced a loving family during their formative years gives me hope That they may break the cycle of abuse that often exists. Foster care has opened a part of our hearts that we did not know existed. Such a wonderful blessing.

Transtions

I am preparing myself for a new role in this little one's life. In a matter of weeks I am going to abruptly shift from full time mommy to physically uninvolved in his day to day life. I have been thinking a lot about my role as a praying mama in the background of his life. The truth is I was praying for him before I knew him. I had a burden to pray for our coming foster child all last summer and fall. Now that I know the story of his situation, I know why I was so burdened for him. (Over the last week, I have started to feel burdened to pray for whoever our next little one may be, but that is a thought process for another day.) The praying mama is the only role I can keep from our time together. It is the role that the State has no control over.

I wanted a verse that I could use as his verse that I could pray for him as he grows. I have had this idea in the back of my mind, but I just had not found the verse I wanted to be his yet.

Today I think I found it. Right in the middle of the verses our pastor used as he preached this morning. I knew when I read it, that this was my prayer for my little guy. The context of the verse is Joshua speaking to the Ruebenites, Gadites, and half of the tribe of Manasseh. They are returning to their home on the other side of the Jordan River, and he is giving them instructions. I love the picture of Joshua sending them off with loving encouragement.

Only be very careful to observe the commandment and the law that Moses the servant of the LORD commanded you, to love the LORD your God, and to walk in all his ways and to keep his commandments and to cling to him and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul."

What drew me to this verse was, "to cling to him". It sums up my hopes and prayers for this little one. I am not looking forward to the time that he will leave. However, I have to believe that God has a plan for his life and I have to trust him.

Foster Families Need a Village Too

This post is coming from a bunch of different thoughts all running around in my head. The first is May is National Foster Care month. Second, I think that a lot of people want to do something to help foster children, but might not be in a place to open their home right now. Third, the prospect of having a new foster placement after our current little one leaves brings up memories of how hard those first few weeks and months were with this little guy. The "hello" of foster care has its own set of challenges. Fourth and finally this blog started out of a few frequently asked questions I answered on Facebook. One of my favorite questions when we were adjusting with this little guy: "can I bring dinner?". Not necessarily frequently asked, but asked by some wonderful ladies who saw my need, and reached out to me.

So all that has been floating around in my head, and it made me think of that saying about it takes a village to raise a child. Well,foster families really need a village. A diverse village of folks who have different roles. With it being foster care month I thought I'd write about our developing village. Appearing in no particular order:

1. The professionals: social workers, therapists, and early intervention specialists. They provide the support services for the child and sometimes the foster family. Necessary people who work hard. The number of texts and phone calls I would get in a day during the first few weeks of this placement could drain my cell phone battery by 10am. It's overwhelming at times. There have been weeks when I was thankful for the weekend just to have a break from managing the foster care schedule.

2. Friends who have kept my big kids. At the beginning of this placement we were getting very little sleep. For months we got very little sleep. We were exhausted. People did not realize how sleep deprived we were because he was not a newborn, but because of several issues sleep wasn't happening. A friend knew of the situation took my big kids one Sunday afternoon. We slept while the baby slept. It was wonderful. My big kids got special attention, and came home to rested parents. Win. Win.

3. Friends with food. A lot of times people don't think of foster families, or even adoptive families, with a new child like they would a family who had just given birth. I realize the physical recovery is not there. I have given birth. I've adopted a child as a toddler, and I've brought home a todddler with 90 minutes notice. There are a couple of things that have occurred each time. First, my previous schedule no longer works, therefore, making dinner is tough. Second, life is overwhelming with a new family member until things settle down no matter the method of arrival. Third, both of the toddlers I have brought home have had stress reactions to me cooking. I don't know if it was the food preparation or the fact that I'm paying attention to something else. Either way both kiddos have freaked out when I start to cook at first. I'm not that poor of a cook. The friends who brought meals literally lifted stress off of my shoulders.

4. Neighbors. My neighbors are wonderful. They fully embraced our little one from the beginning. They have kept my kids during social worker visits to help out without even being asked. They saw the cars, knew what was going on, and invited my kids over to play. They bought cute outfits when he first came and wrapped them up just like we had had a baby. No worries about how long he would be here, just welcoming him to the neighborhood.

5. Daycare. The daycare we are using is familiar with foster families. They are accustomed to kids being picked up to go to visits, and dealing with the payment system for childcare. They have been another good support for me.

6. Friends who listen. Sometimes having all the responsibility for a child and none of the authority to make decisions can make you batty. Today I literally stomped my foot in frustration several times after reading an email. Having a friend or two to express those frustrations to is priceless. Not breaking confideentiality just saying "I'm FRUSTRATED."

7. Babysitting. This one is a challenge. The information here is specific to our state. If we want to have a babysitter at our house we have to get them fingerprinted and background checked if they are 18 or older. If they are a younger teenager we just have to do a quicker child abuse and neglect background check. We currently do to have any babysitters background checked. That means we cannot leave a foster child at our home with someone other than one of us. That includes the grandparents when they are in town. We can allow our foster child to stay at someone else's house as long as it is less than 24 hours. We did do this one time so we could get some of our continuing education hours in. This is an area I need to work on. I miss going out with my husband.

8. Praying friends. I have a few people who I ask to pray as specific things are happening with this little one. I try to maintain confidentiality and still have the prayer support we need. Knowing they are on their knees with me about needs we have is comforting.

This is not a comprehensive list. There are other people who support us as well. Parenting is hard no matter the method of arrival. Foster parenting is like extreme parenting at times. You can support a foster family and therefore the children in their care without ever having to open your own home. Foster families absolutely need a village too.

Hello may be harder than Goodbye

We are preparing our hearts and our minds to say "Goodbye". There are moments that the sadness of saying goodbye catches me off guard. I am happy that this little one can be out of foster care and hopefully have permanency. I am thankful for our time together, and amazed at how much healing has taken place in these months.

But I'm no going to lie or downplay the sadness in my heart. I have loved because that is what was needed. I did not hold back love or affection because it was temporary. I poured into th little one, and had the honor of watching what a consistent, loving environment can do for a child. He will forever hold a part of my heart because for this time he was my baby boy. We have told our kids from the beginning of this that we will never ask them to stop loving their foster siblings. I will never ask myself to stop loving either. Saying Goodbye will be painful even though we expected this and we understand the benefits of being with his family.

I have also been thinking a lot about what it will mean for us after ths little one leaves. I know the phone will ring again. I know that I will be given a brief story of a child who has been neglected, abused, or abandoned. A child who needs to come into foster care to be kept safe and allowed to heal. We will be asked if we can take them in. Oh how my heart wishes that call would not come. I am willing, but I do not want to be needed. When I think about how close we are to our current little guy leaving I realize it is very possible the next child who enters our home may already be in danger. May already be hurting. The "hello" of foster care is a reminder that the need continues. Hearing the story and starting to try to build a healthy relationship is not easy. There is no trust or relationship to draw on, it all has to be built over time.

Preparing for Goodbye

This post is very real. It is a peek into how I am procesing one of the hardest parts of foster care. Folks run away from being foster parents because of the intrinsically temporary nature of the relationship. The day we expect that our little guy will leave is getting closer. We openly talk about him leaving with our children as we are making summer plans. When we talk about going to the beach we remind them that he will not be there because they start making plans that include him.

I've had to give one of my children back before. When our son was in Guatemala we went to meet him and visit him nearly a year before he would eventually be adopted and come home. At the time that we visited him, we had no idea when he would come home. His case was becoming more complicated all the time. We spent a week with him. We took care of him, loved him, and just got to know him. At the end of the week we had to go home. I had to give my baby back to his caregivers and walk away.

It felt like my heart was being physically removed from my body. I can remember physically feeling the emotional stress of leaving him behind. I had loved him from a distance for many months, but I had only been with him for one week.

By the time we get to the likely "goodbye" date, we will have been taking care of this little guy for 7 months. We have been his family and all that entails. I know that my heart is going to feel like it is being removed again. If it didn't then I was a terrible foster mom. He needed us to love him deeply, and we have.

The days and weeks after I gave my boy back in Guatemala were tough. I missed him. But you know what? I survived. I healed. And eventually I could see how God worked in our life through those hard times. If we had not had to go through such a difficult adoption process then we would not have the heart for orphans we have today. We would not have the marriage and family we have today. And we would not have had the priviledge of knowing this litle one.

The time that we have with him may be ending, but I hope what he has gained here will go with him. He is a treasure.

Communication

Hubs and I have talked to many social workers over the last 6+ years of this adoption and foster care life. I think we've had five home studies and we'll be due for an update for our foster care license by the end of this summer. That's a lot of talking about our life, family, and marriage. One question is always about strengths and weaknesses as a couple. We usually put communication down as both a strength and weakness. Acknowledging that communication is important to us, but we could always do better.

As our children are getting older and we are living this atypical life communication is becoming a big part of our parenting. We are a foster family. We are not just foster parents with some forever kids. Nope. We are in this thing together. It's not easy to have a child who has been abused or neglected in the middle of your family dynamic. Their needs are often greater than a child who has not experienced abuse or neglect. Increased needs often mean increased time and attention from mom and dad. But what about my kids who are here forever? As a family we have started having these little spontaneous family check ins with just the fiur of us. We usually grab some time when the baby is asleep. It gives us all a chance to talk about how we feel about how things are going. We have a safe place to voice any concerns or frustrations over what has been going on in the house. The kids can ask any questions about how the case is going for their foster sibling and we try to answer as honestly as we can. These little spontaneous meetings almost feel like a thermometer for me as the mom. I can gauge how my children are handling things and know if anybody needs some extra attention.

Last night I stole a few minutes with my kids to determine how they were feeling about foster care now that we are discussing their foster sibling moving sooner rather than later. I offered up the idea that we could take a break if the little one were to leave over the summer until after they went back to school. I touted the idea of just having our little family back for a while and they wouldn't have to share mom and dad. I asked each one of them what their vote was: take a break or don't take a break. They both were emphatic in their decision not to take a break. They want some one else to live with us. Now their Dad and I will make the decision about when to take our next placement, but I have to say I was impressed with my kids eagerness to help the next child who might need us. I think keeping them in the loop and acknowledging their feelings in this process through our little family check-ins has helped them feel like they are an important part of this.

Normal

This morning we had the privilege of spending time with many other foster families from around our city. There was a a walk raising money and awareness for local foster care. We couldn't stay for the whole event, but we were able to see some of the staff from our agency as well as other foster parents. My kids were able to play with other kids who understand a life that includes foster siblings, social workers, visits with biological family, etc. No one asked for our story. We were just a family along with all the others.

As I walked by with the kids one of the organizers commented, "now that's a good looking family". I smiled and acknowledged that we stand out in a crowd. Another gentlemen standing by just laughed and said, "go stand next to my family, you'll fit right in." His family is larger than mine, includes special needs children, and is similarly diverse. His warmth and understanding was a big encouragement to me.

As we were leaving, we stopped to speak to a couple that we met during our training. They have had their first foster placement almost exactly as long as we have. The situations are eerily similar, and I enjoyed talking to the other mom for just a few minutes. My sweet girl joined the conversation and was able to ask a few questions as well. The other foster mom encouraged my girl, and made her feel important and needed in this fostering stuff.

I really needed the encouragement of today. I really needed to feel like this very unnatural thing can be very normal. I needed my kids to see that their are other children who have foster siblings in their life too. Today I feel encouraged right in the spot that I most needed encouragement.

Hard

Multiple times a week someone I know on the surface will say something like, "isn't going to be hard on you when he goes?" I'm not sure how I am supposed to respond. Usually I say something like: "yes, it will be hard, but it is not a surprise". Meaning no one tricked us into allowing our foster children to live with us. No one ever indicated they would be living with us for forever. Do I wonder how I will handle handing him back? Sure I do. Does it seem impossible some days? Yes. Have we made a mistake in fostering because it is hard? NO!

Why do we run away from hard? I mean I guess I know why, it's difficult. But we encourage our children to press on and overcome things that are hard. My daughter had a soccer game last week in the heat of the day with the sun beating down on her. Her team was short a player so all the players had to play for most of the game. She was hot, she was tired, and it was hard. I encouraged her to keep going, I cheered a little louder to keep her going, I poured water over her head to cool her off. I never said, "I know it's hard, why don't you just stop." There is value in learning endurance. There is value in hard.

My son has learned to read this year. It has not been easy for him. He changed primary languages at two years old. He still organizes some phrases as a Spanish speaking individual would. He has worked very hard. He has practiced and pushed through challenges along the way. We have encouraged him during moments of frustration to keep going because we know he can learn to read. Last night as I put PJs on the baby, my son read to us to keep the baby happy. He is ahead of grade level, but entered kindergarten not even knowing all of his letters. Was it hard? Yes. Was it impossible? No. Was it valuable and worth it? Yes.

Hard is inherent in life. Everyone is going to experience hard. It is a given. Did we sign up for hard? In a way we did. But, if I had the authority to tell you the details of our little one's life I hope you would see that my life is not hard. My pain is small in comparison. He is valuable and deserves to be in a safe, loving " middle" home while a safe home with family is established. I understand that this system is not perfect. I have been frustrated with aspects of the system even in the last 24 hours. I still want to do this, and yes it is hard.

Maybe that is my answer to the questions. "Yes it is hard, but we still want to do it."

Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:9-12

Just as I care for and encourage my children in the hard in their lives, so much more so does our Father care for and encourage us in the hard.

Mothers Day

Mothers day is hard for me. I realize that sounds absurd. I have two beautiful children who make me one proud mama. I have a wonderful mother who I celebrate, and a mother in law who raised my wonderful husband. All reasons to celebrate and enjoy the day. And in a lot of ways we do celebrate on Mothers Day, but often I have a lot of mixed feelings on that day.

Part of it is the scars of infertility. I hated Mothers Day for years. There was so much focus on how children are a blessing. Well, that blessing just wasn't happening for me. I know now that was because there was a different plan for my life, but at the time that felt like if I wasn't blessed with children then I must be cursed. When I'm in church on Mothers Day, I often remember how painful those services were and I realize that someone else in the room may be undergoing the same pain. I hurt for them, and pray for their comfort.

The other hard part is I have children who have other mothers. Mothers who gave them life, and for some reason cannot be with them. I hurt for their first moms. I hurt for my children who can't be with their first moms. As much as I love my children through adoption and foster care, I can never be that mom. There is loss involved that I cannot fix. On Mothers Day I feel their loss and their mothers' losses.

This year, I am also trying to find an appropriate way to encourage our foster son's mom. I believe in supporting her. I believe our encouragement is important. I cannot control how she responds or does not respond, but I can control me. Fostering our little guy also means fostering his relationships with his birth family in the hopes that those relationships can improve.

Mother Day is good. We should be thankful for our moms and for the opportunity to be a mom. For some of us it's just a little more complicated.