The trouble with my cute sunglasses

I wear glasses. Not always at home but if I am driving, working, reading, cooking(learned the hard way that I need them to follow recipes correctly) I have my glasses on. I'm not a great candidate for contacts so I stick with my glasses. This year I bought really cute sunglasses. They don't have my prescription in them so I just wear them if I don't need to be doing detail work. If my husband is driving, then I am usually wearing my cute sunglasses.

Why am I talking about my glasses on a blog about our experience in foster care? Because they cause trouble when dealing with a child/children who need attachment style parenting. We've been adoptive parents for over four years and foster parents for almost a year. I have studied, read, been in classes, completed required reading, received CEUs all on attachment. I do not think I have ever been warned about the trouble with cute sunglasses.

Here's the idea of how attachment typically develops in an infant. Baby has a need, baby cries to communicate need, caregiver addresses need, baby is comforted and learns to trust that needs will be met by caregiver, therefore forming a secure attachment or bond.

Here's the idea with kiddos who do not have those secure attachments. Need expressed, need not met, baby does not feel secure, instead feels anxious, does not learn to trust, does not form appropriate secure bonds with caregiver.

Lots of things can cause attachment issues. Children who need to be in foster care often need to learn to trust and form secure attachments. This is not easy work. It is constant, it is sometimes exhausting, but it is of utmost importance. The health of future relationships rests on the ability to form secure bonds, trust, and receive love/care.

Eye contact is important for developing healthy attachments. Eye contact is intimate. A caregivers eye contact can build trust and security.

Blocked eye contact with my cute sunglasses is not worth it. You think I would know that without having to have a dramatic lesson. You would think that . . .

What about my kids?

I am often asked how my children have adjusted to being a foster family. Sometimes I sense some concern in the voices of caring friends. We definitely have lost some of the protective bubble that we were able to live in before we entered the world of foster care. I have had to have conversations with my elementary age children about abuse, domestic violence, court systems, birth families, and the effects of poor choices. Conversations that would not have occurred if they were not foster siblings. They have adapted very well and I see many positive changes in them as a result of opening our home.

Today, they were playing together in our playroom while I made an important phone call. As soon as I finished, I headed to the playroom to check on them. They were busy using colorful duct tape to make bracelets and bookmarks. They met me with excitement as I came into the room, "Mom, we are going to sell them and give the money to our agency." As they expanded on their plan one of them expressed the desire to specifically help children in our care, the other was content to help "all the babies".
Even their creative play has changed because their eyes are open to the needs of those around them.

So my answer is my kids are just fine. Better than they were before even.

My Infertility may be my greatest blessing

This time ten years ago we were waiting on some genetic testing to come back. Genetic testing takes forever because it is complex. I did not wait patiently. I was anxious, irritable, and hard to live with. A few weeks earlier we had received the news that having children was not going to be easy. I was 24 years old, and facing the real possibility that I might not ever be a mother. Those tests did eventually come back. More specialists were involved. We both had surgery (I told you it was complicated), and our options were few.

I raged at God for a long time. I hated what was happening in my life. I knew we wanted to be parents, and I felt like we would at least be decent at it. I could see that my husband would be an excellent father. Our diagnosis made no sense in my mind. We should be able to have children (insert stomping foot and whiny voice here).

From my perspective this was a no brainer, we should be able to have biological children. I realize now that God was not just looking at me and loving me during those dark days. He could see my son's mother in Guatemala, even though she was still really a child then, and knew her needs. He could see our son, and knew he needed a family. He could see the children who will spend a season here who needed to be safe and experience love. He could see my forever children who have been wonderful foster siblings. He could see others who have heard our story and have been encouraged that God loves them too.

He knew my desire to be a mother because he placed it in my heart. He had a beautiful plan for me, and I am so very thankful for the blessings I have been given. I will never again have ultrasound pictures or due dates to share. I cannot post all the cute toddler antics that happen in my house because the toddler is not my own. But I am thankful that this is my life. I am thankful for our inability to have more children. It has taken nearly a decade to come to this amount of peace about such a difficult diagnosis. Time has allowed me to see that He was loving me and blessing me by not allowing me to have more biological children.

In our life, infertility is one of our greatest blessings.