This week we turned in our paperwork to renew our foster care approval for another year. It made me think about some of the changes that we have gone through this year, and some of the lessons we have learned.
Here are a few in no particular order
1. God will provide. Big or little. Long term or the next five minutes. God will provide.
2. Paperwork. Don't over think it. Just get it done.
3. Be kind to caseworkers. Be pleasant on the phone or when they are in your home.
4. Sit quietly and let the caseworker talk during your monthly home visit. You will learn a lot more that way.
5. The first few weeks of a placement are tough ask for and accept help.
6. Nothing is for sure until it is in the past tense. Nothing.
7. It is okay if bedtime is a little late some nights. Let it go.
8. Moving from man to man defense to a zone defense is hard. Give it some time.
9. If the day included: three meals, a snack or two, clean clothes, a nap, and a bedtime story it was successful.
10. I could have a clean house, but I would have to get rid of my family.
11. There will always be more laundry.
12. Daddy bears may be more fiercely protective than mama bears.
13. My kids can handle a lot if I support them and am honest with them.
14. There are orphans in the US.
15. To be asked and allowed to care for a child caught in the storms that lead to a foster care placement is a blessing.
16. Grapes washed off and served in a cereal bowl is an appropriate side dish if that means I get some extra time with my family.
17. Sometimes I get really tired of dealing with the aftermath of problems that I did not create.
18. A sense of humor is so important. Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.
19. Dora can save your sanity.
20. My calendar is merely a suggestion. All entries are subject to change.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
My girl teaches me about the heart
Tonight I had a few minutes with just my big girl. The little one was around, but safely occupied. I asked her if she ever worried about what it will be like when this one leaves since it is becoming such a long placement. This is a paraphrase of our conversation:
Big girl: sometimes I do because ______ has a big part in my heart.
Me: that's true, that place in our hearts has really grown since _______ has been here so long.
Big Girl: that will always be _______'s place in my heart. I'm never going to give that spot away. I will miss ______, but I will still have this place in my heart.
Me: no, you never have to give it away or forget. It will hurt, but we will be glad we had this time together I think.
Big girl: I mean I may grow a new spot if we have someone else in our house, but that will always be ______'s spot. God can make your heart as big as you need it to be so that you can love lots of people. Everyone gets there own spot in your heart. You never know how big your heart can grow.
Me: you are exactly right.
My big girl has a better understanding of love than I do I think. I wonder how big her heart will grow . . .
Big girl: sometimes I do because ______ has a big part in my heart.
Me: that's true, that place in our hearts has really grown since _______ has been here so long.
Big Girl: that will always be _______'s place in my heart. I'm never going to give that spot away. I will miss ______, but I will still have this place in my heart.
Me: no, you never have to give it away or forget. It will hurt, but we will be glad we had this time together I think.
Big girl: I mean I may grow a new spot if we have someone else in our house, but that will always be ______'s spot. God can make your heart as big as you need it to be so that you can love lots of people. Everyone gets there own spot in your heart. You never know how big your heart can grow.
Me: you are exactly right.
My big girl has a better understanding of love than I do I think. I wonder how big her heart will grow . . .
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Daily
Daily I receive this comment, "it is going to be so hard on you and your family when they have to go back." Daily. Sometimes multiple times a day.
I never know what to say. I find myself trying to make the commenter feel better, but on the inside it just plain hurts. It kind of stabs, and reminds me that I am only the interim. I stand in someone else's place for a time. Trouble is I don't know how long this "time" may last.
Sometimes it makes me wonder why we are doing this. Why are we submitting ourselves to a relationship that involves so much time, love, sacrifice, loss of sleep, loss of freedom, loss of privacy that will not last?
Then I remember the story and circumstances that created the need for this relationship. A child in need of foster care has often been abused, neglected, in pain, abandoned, and lost more than I will lose when this relationship ends. If I can take a little of the pain off a little one for a while then my pain is worthwhile. If I can help them heal while I keep them safe then we all benefit.
What if we had said no? The need would have still been there because we did not create the need. We were willing to meet a need, but hoped we would never be needed (we were needed within 6 weeks of being approved). We would have missed out. We are a different family today for the better.
Usually I end up saying something like, "it's worth it" and then I smile. What no one sees is I am teary behind that smile. I'm sad because they are right it will hurt. I'm sad because I know the story that created the need for foster care. I'm sad because my pain is not more valuable than that of a abused or neglected child. I'm sad because sometimes this is a lonely road, and when someone points out the hurt then I feel alone on the road.
35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,
36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.'
37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?
38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?
39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?'
40 And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.' Matthew 25:35-40
I never know what to say. I find myself trying to make the commenter feel better, but on the inside it just plain hurts. It kind of stabs, and reminds me that I am only the interim. I stand in someone else's place for a time. Trouble is I don't know how long this "time" may last.
Sometimes it makes me wonder why we are doing this. Why are we submitting ourselves to a relationship that involves so much time, love, sacrifice, loss of sleep, loss of freedom, loss of privacy that will not last?
Then I remember the story and circumstances that created the need for this relationship. A child in need of foster care has often been abused, neglected, in pain, abandoned, and lost more than I will lose when this relationship ends. If I can take a little of the pain off a little one for a while then my pain is worthwhile. If I can help them heal while I keep them safe then we all benefit.
What if we had said no? The need would have still been there because we did not create the need. We were willing to meet a need, but hoped we would never be needed (we were needed within 6 weeks of being approved). We would have missed out. We are a different family today for the better.
Usually I end up saying something like, "it's worth it" and then I smile. What no one sees is I am teary behind that smile. I'm sad because they are right it will hurt. I'm sad because I know the story that created the need for foster care. I'm sad because my pain is not more valuable than that of a abused or neglected child. I'm sad because sometimes this is a lonely road, and when someone points out the hurt then I feel alone on the road.
35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,
36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.'
37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?
38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?
39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?'
40 And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.' Matthew 25:35-40
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Love is not biological
For at least six and a half years people have told me that they doubt their ability to love a non-biological child as they would a biological child. I have had the privilege of having a biological child as well as adopting a child, fostering, being an aunt on my husband's side of our family (no bio connection to me), and loving a couple of my friends' kiddos like my own. I think that comment is ridiculous,and I have an argument to support my thinking.
Love is not based on biology. I know this, and so do you. How do we know this, you ask? Where did you (or do you) look for a spouse? In your biological family? Um, no. If love were based on biological connection, the best marriages would be between brother and sister. Gross, I know, but if you extend the argument of needing biology to love a child to the love between spouses this is the natural conclusion.
Love and family are not based on biology. Love and family are based on relationships, time spent together, shared experiences that become family traditions, a sense of belonging, working together to overcome difficulty, and so much more.
Most parent-child relationships start with a biological foundation. It is a foundation that a RELATIONSHIP must be built upon. (The biology part only means that the hospital is sending a baby home with you). The relationship part is not based on biology. It is based on committment and time regardless of biological connection.
I guess it kind of gets under my skin when somebody makes that comment to me because I feel like they are questioning my love for my kiddos. My heart does not label my kids based on their entrance into my life. My heart holds every moment since as we have formed a relationship.
Love is not based on biology. I know this, and so do you. How do we know this, you ask? Where did you (or do you) look for a spouse? In your biological family? Um, no. If love were based on biological connection, the best marriages would be between brother and sister. Gross, I know, but if you extend the argument of needing biology to love a child to the love between spouses this is the natural conclusion.
Love and family are not based on biology. Love and family are based on relationships, time spent together, shared experiences that become family traditions, a sense of belonging, working together to overcome difficulty, and so much more.
Most parent-child relationships start with a biological foundation. It is a foundation that a RELATIONSHIP must be built upon. (The biology part only means that the hospital is sending a baby home with you). The relationship part is not based on biology. It is based on committment and time regardless of biological connection.
I guess it kind of gets under my skin when somebody makes that comment to me because I feel like they are questioning my love for my kiddos. My heart does not label my kids based on their entrance into my life. My heart holds every moment since as we have formed a relationship.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Smile and nod
Sometimes as a foster parent you just have to smile and nod. People are naturally curious about our life because it is different. There is a lot of secrecy in foster care to protect privacy so it becomes more difficult for people to understand what is really involved in being a foster parent. In most states prospective foster parents have to complete many hours (think 30) of training before they can even start the process to be an approved home. No one checked into our background until the training was complete. A lot of that training is spent on teaching us that the goal of foster care is ALWAYS reunification with the birth family. It always starts with reunification as the focus and the goal.
Most people in the everyday world know a family or child who has experienced adoption from foster care. So I get it when somebody makes a comment that reveals their lack of exposure to foster care. So I am going to address one of the well meaning comments that make me smile and nod. It typically goes something like this, "are you going to adopt her/him?"
Note: I am going to make up scenarios in this post. None of this story is based on children I know or have ever been in my care. Similarities to any child in foster care is purely coincidental (or a result of those 30 hours of training plus continuing education).
In order for a child to be adopted from foster care, the birth parent's parental rights are terminated. It takes a lot for parental rights to be terminated (thank goodness, I really do not like the thought of that being easy). When a child first comes into care, there is an initial hearing. At that point the state presents to the judge the reasons the child was removed. For instance, a newborn is born addicted to drugs, siblings are being neglected because momma is struggling with a meth addiction, a doctor has notified DHR of findings consistent with physical abuse, or any number of other abuse/neglect issues.
If the judge determines that there is enough evidence that the child is in danger if they go home then the child remains in foster care and the parents will be required to complete a case plan to try to demonstrate that they can safely parent. At the beginning, the case worker is also looking for any suitable family members who are willing to take care of the child while the parent works on their plan. This would keep the child with family and out of foster care while the parents work on their plan.
In order for a child to need an adoptive home, the parent would fail to complete the case plan. That might include not providing safe housing, continually failing drug screens, not participating in classes or other parts of the case plan, not remaining in contact with the case worker and essentially abandoning the child, abusing the child again during unsupervised visitation or any combination of those things. It is incredibly sad if you think about it from the goal of foster care. The goal is reunion. The whole system is set up to support a child being able to return home. There are a bunch of people supporting the reunion goal. It takes a lot of tragedy and loss for the parents' rights to be terminated.
Even if the parents' rights are terminated, other family members who can pass the background check can become the child's guardian.
For a child to need a non family adoptive placement, it means that the parents' rights have been terminated and there is no family who is suitable or willing to parent the child.
I would never wish that story on any of my kiddos. I have an adopted son. I know the questions he asks and the love he has for his birth mother. His story is one of a mother who tried to do what was best for him by making the excrutiating decision to place him for adoption. I will not share details here, but it is a story of loss and it is a story of great love as well. It is about as positive an adoption story as you can find (there is always loss in adoption).
I do not know the plans that God has for our family. He may have other forever children in our future. However, I do not hope for that or pine for that. I trust that He knows my future and the future of all of my children (the forever ones and the for now ones). So when somebody asks me about adoption I usually brush past the question because I know enough details to know how much loss that would require.
***this post is based on typical foster care progression. I acknowledge that there are many children adopted from foster care every year, and I rejoice that they have forever families. I acknowledge that there are situations that a child should never return to because it is too abusive. I just wanted to share what I as a foster mom think about when someone mentions adoption because I think it is not a well understood process in the non- foster care world.
Most people in the everyday world know a family or child who has experienced adoption from foster care. So I get it when somebody makes a comment that reveals their lack of exposure to foster care. So I am going to address one of the well meaning comments that make me smile and nod. It typically goes something like this, "are you going to adopt her/him?"
Note: I am going to make up scenarios in this post. None of this story is based on children I know or have ever been in my care. Similarities to any child in foster care is purely coincidental (or a result of those 30 hours of training plus continuing education).
In order for a child to be adopted from foster care, the birth parent's parental rights are terminated. It takes a lot for parental rights to be terminated (thank goodness, I really do not like the thought of that being easy). When a child first comes into care, there is an initial hearing. At that point the state presents to the judge the reasons the child was removed. For instance, a newborn is born addicted to drugs, siblings are being neglected because momma is struggling with a meth addiction, a doctor has notified DHR of findings consistent with physical abuse, or any number of other abuse/neglect issues.
If the judge determines that there is enough evidence that the child is in danger if they go home then the child remains in foster care and the parents will be required to complete a case plan to try to demonstrate that they can safely parent. At the beginning, the case worker is also looking for any suitable family members who are willing to take care of the child while the parent works on their plan. This would keep the child with family and out of foster care while the parents work on their plan.
In order for a child to need an adoptive home, the parent would fail to complete the case plan. That might include not providing safe housing, continually failing drug screens, not participating in classes or other parts of the case plan, not remaining in contact with the case worker and essentially abandoning the child, abusing the child again during unsupervised visitation or any combination of those things. It is incredibly sad if you think about it from the goal of foster care. The goal is reunion. The whole system is set up to support a child being able to return home. There are a bunch of people supporting the reunion goal. It takes a lot of tragedy and loss for the parents' rights to be terminated.
Even if the parents' rights are terminated, other family members who can pass the background check can become the child's guardian.
For a child to need a non family adoptive placement, it means that the parents' rights have been terminated and there is no family who is suitable or willing to parent the child.
I would never wish that story on any of my kiddos. I have an adopted son. I know the questions he asks and the love he has for his birth mother. His story is one of a mother who tried to do what was best for him by making the excrutiating decision to place him for adoption. I will not share details here, but it is a story of loss and it is a story of great love as well. It is about as positive an adoption story as you can find (there is always loss in adoption).
I do not know the plans that God has for our family. He may have other forever children in our future. However, I do not hope for that or pine for that. I trust that He knows my future and the future of all of my children (the forever ones and the for now ones). So when somebody asks me about adoption I usually brush past the question because I know enough details to know how much loss that would require.
***this post is based on typical foster care progression. I acknowledge that there are many children adopted from foster care every year, and I rejoice that they have forever families. I acknowledge that there are situations that a child should never return to because it is too abusive. I just wanted to share what I as a foster mom think about when someone mentions adoption because I think it is not a well understood process in the non- foster care world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)