Last night I had to run an errand that was more driving than errand. The errand part only took about 5 minutes, but the driving was more like 35+. I took the oldest and youngest with me because the daddy was with the middle.
My girl chatted away from the backseat about several topics in her middle elementary mind. As we neared home, she needed to relive the story of the youngest's entry into foster care. This happens sometimes because we are open with our kiddos about why a child would need to be in foster care. We also are very open with them as the case progresses, always emphasizing that the little one has a family who is working to bring them back home safely. We always emphasize that God has a plan for everyone in our home. Sometimes my kiddos need to work some of their thoughts and feelings out by asking questions.
I answered her questions to the best of my ability, and then she blew me away. I thought we were done, and started focusing on what we would need to accomplish when we got home in order to get everyone to bed on time. From the back seat my girl says, "Mom, one day our family will break because ________ will leave. It will hurt, but I know that God will put it back together again. We just need to love ________ today."
Oh to have the faith of a child.
You know people ask me sometimes if I worry about my forever kids growing up with foster siblings. If I worry that it will be too hard on them. The most honest answer is sometimes I do worry about them, but the truth is I should not. God has a plan. My daughter trusts him with her family's life because He is the only one who holds our future. She trusts that no matter what hurt may be ahead of us, that God loves us, He has a plan for us, and he will bring beauty from ashes. She believes these things because she is seeing them lived out in front of her little eyes. My children have benefitted from this road in ways I don't think we will fully comprehend until they are much older.
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Phillipians 1:6
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
What's in a name?
There are a couple of conversations I seem to have fairly often. One of them involves why foster children call me, the foster mother, "mom". The scene typically goes something like this: I'm at some event for my big kids while wrangling a little one. Most of our acquaintances in our community know that we are foster parents so I do not have to explain why little one is there. At some point, I will be talking to someone, and little one will call me "mom". Then I get the surprised question, "your foster children call you mom?"
Yes, they do. I refer to myself as "momma my first name", but really our age range is 0-4. What toddler wants to have to say "momma my first name" every time they need something? Do you realize how often toddlers say "momma" in a day? So typically they shorten it to just momma or even mommy.
Why don't I just call myself by some other name then? A couple of reasons.
Number one, I have two forever children. I am their mom, forever. They have always called me mom. Even if I referred to myself as some other name the volume of times I am called mom far outweighs the number of times I refer to myself. Toddlers learn to talk based on what they hear. In my house, they are going to hear me being referred to as "mom" often (sometimes much too often).
Number two, in this house my job title is "mom". I do the mom stuff. I make the home, I snuggle scared kiddos, kiss boo boos, help the bigs with homework and friend drama, I pack the lunches, I sign the school folders, I make dinner, I am the mom. Therefore, I do not have a problem with kiddos who are here temporarily calling me mom. It's my title here, it's what I do. It is appropriate if a child wants to call me mom for them to be allowed to call me mom. (I would never require a for now child to call me mom).
Number three, I have no desire to differentiate my kiddos based on their current life situation. I have forever kids and for now kids. The whole world does not need to know which is which when we are walking down the street. I have no problem with a child calling me by my first name or another name they are comfortable with, but if they prefer "mom" I will not try to change it. Kids in foster care already have to deal with so many things that are not typical in childhood, I'm not going to add one more thing to that list.
Number four, it may even be beneficial for the relationship with whoever becomes the permanent mom (whether they go home, go to family, stay here, or are adopted by another family). When my son (the forever one I'm allowed to talk about) came to our family he had been calling several women "mama" for nearly two years. They filled the role, and he called them by that title. The first night he was with us he called me "mama" because he recognized the role. He had been well cared for and kept secure. He learned to trust his caregivers, and because of that he was able to transfer the bonds he had with those first "mamas" to his forever mom. It took an adjustment time, but the gift they gave our family by teaching my boy what a mom does is invaluable. They were his "middle" moms. As a foster mom, I now fill the middle mom role and yes sometimes the for now kiddos call me "mom". It really is okay.
(I should probably add that I do refer to the biological mother as "mom". I never refer to myself as just mom so it does not seem to confuse kids. Adults, yes. Kids, no.)
Yes, they do. I refer to myself as "momma my first name", but really our age range is 0-4. What toddler wants to have to say "momma my first name" every time they need something? Do you realize how often toddlers say "momma" in a day? So typically they shorten it to just momma or even mommy.
Why don't I just call myself by some other name then? A couple of reasons.
Number one, I have two forever children. I am their mom, forever. They have always called me mom. Even if I referred to myself as some other name the volume of times I am called mom far outweighs the number of times I refer to myself. Toddlers learn to talk based on what they hear. In my house, they are going to hear me being referred to as "mom" often (sometimes much too often).
Number two, in this house my job title is "mom". I do the mom stuff. I make the home, I snuggle scared kiddos, kiss boo boos, help the bigs with homework and friend drama, I pack the lunches, I sign the school folders, I make dinner, I am the mom. Therefore, I do not have a problem with kiddos who are here temporarily calling me mom. It's my title here, it's what I do. It is appropriate if a child wants to call me mom for them to be allowed to call me mom. (I would never require a for now child to call me mom).
Number three, I have no desire to differentiate my kiddos based on their current life situation. I have forever kids and for now kids. The whole world does not need to know which is which when we are walking down the street. I have no problem with a child calling me by my first name or another name they are comfortable with, but if they prefer "mom" I will not try to change it. Kids in foster care already have to deal with so many things that are not typical in childhood, I'm not going to add one more thing to that list.
Number four, it may even be beneficial for the relationship with whoever becomes the permanent mom (whether they go home, go to family, stay here, or are adopted by another family). When my son (the forever one I'm allowed to talk about) came to our family he had been calling several women "mama" for nearly two years. They filled the role, and he called them by that title. The first night he was with us he called me "mama" because he recognized the role. He had been well cared for and kept secure. He learned to trust his caregivers, and because of that he was able to transfer the bonds he had with those first "mamas" to his forever mom. It took an adjustment time, but the gift they gave our family by teaching my boy what a mom does is invaluable. They were his "middle" moms. As a foster mom, I now fill the middle mom role and yes sometimes the for now kiddos call me "mom". It really is okay.
(I should probably add that I do refer to the biological mother as "mom". I never refer to myself as just mom so it does not seem to confuse kids. Adults, yes. Kids, no.)
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Where's your buddy?
My daughter has been a part of girl scouts for the last three years. She has a wonderful troop and an incredible troop leader. I love those girls and their moms like they are part of our extended family. Her troop leader demonstrates a really great balance of keeping the girls safe while fostering their individuality, independence, and curiosity. A big part of girl scout rules is to always have a buddy. For safety reasons obviously, but our girls have gained so much more than safety from our constant insistence that they have a buddy. They have learned to be compassionate and patient with one another, and learned to get along with personalities different from their own. I love to hear the call when we are on outings, "where's your buddy?" because it reminds me that my girl is not alone. She is learning to look out for others and lean on others as well.
For nearly the first year of this foster care journey, I really did not have other foster mom friends. I really didn't have anybody in my life who fully understood what my life was changing into. I have sweet friends who have supported me, and listened to me share the few things I was able to share. Privacy issues prevented me from truly baring my heart and concerns. It was incredibly isolating. I felt like my heart was screaming, "where's your buddy?"
So I started to pray. I needed someone with tangible arms and a real understanding of life as a foster family.
My husband and I went away for our anniversary in the fall. For the first time we used respite, and I really got to know one of the other foster moms at our agency. She turned around and introduced me to several others.
Over the past several months I have been able to get to know those foster moms better. I have been able to reach out in the tough times to people who have more understanding of the things we are facing. I have been able to share in more detail what is going on with cases because I am talking with foster moms from our agency. I have been able to listen to the testimonies of God's faithfulness even when dealing with very difficult circumstances. I have heard folks who look like they have got this foster mom thing down say, "this stuff is hard and it's okay to need help". I have felt less alone.
Right about the time that our journey is picking up speed on the roller coaster, God has given me my buddies. To Him be the glory.
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.
10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!
11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?
12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him-a threefold cord is not quickly broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
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