"Don't you want your own children?"

I was recently asked this question by a person who had just found out I was a foster/adoptive mother.  My children were not with me so she was not aware that I do have a biological daughter.  It wasn't relevant to the conversation so I did not clarify the way my children entered our family.  I typically do not clarify for people unless it is necessary.  Biological mothers do not introduce their children via their birth story (thank goodness), therefore, I feel no need to clarify for people in general.

I am indeed infertile.  There have been times when I would love to have had another biological child. More biological children is not going to happen.  I could be snarly when people ask me this, but what good would that do.  So this is how I answered:  "I  consider them ALL my own. In fact I was up at 1:30 am with one who is not my own.  When you are the one handling the middle of the night stuff, they're yours." She laughed and whole heartedly agreed with me.  

You might be a foster parent if . . .

1.  The sight of uncovered outlets make you nervous, even in places that do not involve children.

2. You own more carseats than the number of children living in your home.

3.  You have cleaned the boogers off of another woman's child's nose with your bare hand.

4.  Taking one of your forever children to the doctor and being able to consent to treatment without extra documentation feels too easy.

5.  You have ever made a Mothers Day Card for your "for now" child's mother.

6.  You worry that you might have a surprise visit from a social worker while cleaning and all the chemicals in the house are not locked away.

7.  You wonder if the kiddo in the year's Christmas pictures will be in next years.

8.   You are often called Ms. "child's last name" by doctor's offices (there are days that doesn't feel so good).

9.  You take a less warm than you would like shower every morning so that your home meets all safety requirements, including the hot water setting.

10.  You have sworn you were not going to have to potty train this child only to find yourself singing the potty song a year later to the same child.

11.  You have ever had one of the children in your home placed in your arms for the first time standing in a parking lot.  

12.  Your neighbors can recognize the caseworkers' cars and offer the keep your children during home visits.

13.  You've ever thought "I don't have to do this", and then done it anyway.

14.  Spending an hour with another foster mom feels like you've been granted "permission to speak freely". So much so you have to be careful not to dominate the conversation.

15. You find yourself saying, "you are safe" in the wee hours of the morning while barely conscious.

16.  You have more documentation of your "for now" kids' firsts than you do of your "forever" kids.

17.  You can tell when someone is about to say, "I just couldn't do it, I'd get too attached."(and you smile knowing the little soul at your house NEEDS someone to be too attached).

18.  You agree with the general public - you are a little bit crazy. (and wouldn't change it for anything-including hot showers)

Say something else

"that is going to be so hard on you, when he leaves."

I told my mother the other day that I just want to say "shut up" when people say this to me.  It's not at all insightful and it does not encourage, yet people feel the need to tell me this all the time.  As if I never thought of such a thing.  Today, I've been thinking of other things someone could say instead:

1.  You have a beautiful family.
2.  How did you decide to become foster parents?
3. How can I pray for your family?
4. May God be glorified in this situation.
5.  If you ever need help with your big kids while you take care of foster care requirements we'd love to help out.
6.  Well, he sure is a cutie.
7.  So, what are your other kids up to these days?
8. Have you started your Christmas shopping yet?
9.  Lovely weather we're having.
10. Have a great day!

Think it, talk to God about it, just don't say it to me.

Songs

Foster parents have to take continuing education classes every year. In one of our training courses this year we focused on helping kids from hard places form healthy attachments. We learned some practical things we can do in everyday life to help kids feel secure and loved. I have applied some of what we learned to all of the kiddos in my house. One of my favorites are two songs both sung to the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star". They have become part of the daily activities around here. I thought I would share because they are an easy way to encourage any child.

Here's the first as if I were singing it to my middle son (you make the attributes fit the child)

Twinkle, twinkle little star
What a special boy you are
Soft brown hair and soft, soft cheeks
Bright brown eyes from which you peak
Twinkle, twinkle little star
What a special boy you are

And the other which we call the "Safe" song around here

I am safe and I am strong
Come and sit and sing this song
I grow stronger every day
Everything will be okay
I am safe and I am strong
Come and sit and sing this song

Last night one of the kids in the house was singing the "Safe" song in bed as they fell asleep. Lots of hard work paying off.

Lessons from the first year

This week we turned in our paperwork to renew our foster care approval for another year. It made me think about some of the changes that we have gone through this year, and some of the lessons we have learned.

Here are a few in no particular order

1. God will provide. Big or little. Long term or the next five minutes. God will provide.

2. Paperwork. Don't over think it. Just get it done.

3. Be kind to caseworkers. Be pleasant on the phone or when they are in your home.

4. Sit quietly and let the caseworker talk during your monthly home visit. You will learn a lot more that way.

5. The first few weeks of a placement are tough ask for and accept help.

6. Nothing is for sure until it is in the past tense. Nothing.

7. It is okay if bedtime is a little late some nights. Let it go.

8. Moving from man to man defense to a zone defense is hard. Give it some time.

9. If the day included: three meals, a snack or two, clean clothes, a nap, and a bedtime story it was successful.

10. I could have a clean house, but I would have to get rid of my family.

11. There will always be more laundry.

12. Daddy bears may be more fiercely protective than mama bears.

13. My kids can handle a lot if I support them and am honest with them.

14. There are orphans in the US.

15. To be asked and allowed to care for a child caught in the storms that lead to a foster care placement is a blessing.

16. Grapes washed off and served in a cereal bowl is an appropriate side dish if that means I get some extra time with my family.

17. Sometimes I get really tired of dealing with the aftermath of problems that I did not create.

18. A sense of humor is so important. Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.

19. Dora can save your sanity.

20. My calendar is merely a suggestion. All entries are subject to change.

My girl teaches me about the heart

Tonight I had a few minutes with just my big girl. The little one was around, but safely occupied. I asked her if she ever worried about what it will be like when this one leaves since it is becoming such a long placement. This is a paraphrase of our conversation:

Big girl: sometimes I do because ______ has a big part in my heart.

Me: that's true, that place in our hearts has really grown since _______ has been here so long.

Big Girl: that will always be _______'s place in my heart. I'm never going to give that spot away. I will miss ______, but I will still have this place in my heart.

Me: no, you never have to give it away or forget. It will hurt, but we will be glad we had this time together I think.

Big girl: I mean I may grow a new spot if we have someone else in our house, but that will always be ______'s spot. God can make your heart as big as you need it to be so that you can love lots of people. Everyone gets there own spot in your heart. You never know how big your heart can grow.

Me: you are exactly right.




My big girl has a better understanding of love than I do I think. I wonder how big her heart will grow . . .

Daily

Daily I receive this comment, "it is going to be so hard on you and your family when they have to go back." Daily. Sometimes multiple times a day.

I never know what to say. I find myself trying to make the commenter feel better, but on the inside it just plain hurts. It kind of stabs, and reminds me that I am only the interim. I stand in someone else's place for a time. Trouble is I don't know how long this "time" may last.

Sometimes it makes me wonder why we are doing this. Why are we submitting ourselves to a relationship that involves so much time, love, sacrifice, loss of sleep, loss of freedom, loss of privacy that will not last?

Then I remember the story and circumstances that created the need for this relationship. A child in need of foster care has often been abused, neglected, in pain, abandoned, and lost more than I will lose when this relationship ends. If I can take a little of the pain off a little one for a while then my pain is worthwhile. If I can help them heal while I keep them safe then we all benefit.

What if we had said no? The need would have still been there because we did not create the need. We were willing to meet a need, but hoped we would never be needed (we were needed within 6 weeks of being approved). We would have missed out. We are a different family today for the better.

Usually I end up saying something like, "it's worth it" and then I smile. What no one sees is I am teary behind that smile. I'm sad because they are right it will hurt. I'm sad because I know the story that created the need for foster care. I'm sad because my pain is not more valuable than that of a abused or neglected child. I'm sad because sometimes this is a lonely road, and when someone points out the hurt then I feel alone on the road.

35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,
36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.'
37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?
38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?
39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?'
40 And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.' Matthew 25:35-40

Love is not biological

For at least six and a half years people have told me that they doubt their ability to love a non-biological child as they would a biological child. I have had the privilege of having a biological child as well as adopting a child, fostering, being an aunt on my husband's side of our family (no bio connection to me), and loving a couple of my friends' kiddos like my own. I think that comment is ridiculous,and I have an argument to support my thinking.

Love is not based on biology. I know this, and so do you. How do we know this, you ask? Where did you (or do you) look for a spouse? In your biological family? Um, no. If love were based on biological connection, the best marriages would be between brother and sister. Gross, I know, but if you extend the argument of needing biology to love a child to the love between spouses this is the natural conclusion.

Love and family are not based on biology. Love and family are based on relationships, time spent together, shared experiences that become family traditions, a sense of belonging, working together to overcome difficulty, and so much more.

Most parent-child relationships start with a biological foundation. It is a foundation that a RELATIONSHIP must be built upon. (The biology part only means that the hospital is sending a baby home with you). The relationship part is not based on biology. It is based on committment and time regardless of biological connection.

I guess it kind of gets under my skin when somebody makes that comment to me because I feel like they are questioning my love for my kiddos. My heart does not label my kids based on their entrance into my life. My heart holds every moment since as we have formed a relationship.

Smile and nod

Sometimes as a foster parent you just have to smile and nod. People are naturally curious about our life because it is different. There is a lot of secrecy in foster care to protect privacy so it becomes more difficult for people to understand what is really involved in being a foster parent. In most states prospective foster parents have to complete many hours (think 30) of training before they can even start the process to be an approved home. No one checked into our background until the training was complete. A lot of that training is spent on teaching us that the goal of foster care is ALWAYS reunification with the birth family. It always starts with reunification as the focus and the goal.

Most people in the everyday world know a family or child who has experienced adoption from foster care. So I get it when somebody makes a comment that reveals their lack of exposure to foster care. So I am going to address one of the well meaning comments that make me smile and nod. It typically goes something like this, "are you going to adopt her/him?"

Note: I am going to make up scenarios in this post. None of this story is based on children I know or have ever been in my care. Similarities to any child in foster care is purely coincidental (or a result of those 30 hours of training plus continuing education).

In order for a child to be adopted from foster care, the birth parent's parental rights are terminated. It takes a lot for parental rights to be terminated (thank goodness, I really do not like the thought of that being easy). When a child first comes into care, there is an initial hearing. At that point the state presents to the judge the reasons the child was removed. For instance, a newborn is born addicted to drugs, siblings are being neglected because momma is struggling with a meth addiction, a doctor has notified DHR of findings consistent with physical abuse, or any number of other abuse/neglect issues.

If the judge determines that there is enough evidence that the child is in danger if they go home then the child remains in foster care and the parents will be required to complete a case plan to try to demonstrate that they can safely parent. At the beginning, the case worker is also looking for any suitable family members who are willing to take care of the child while the parent works on their plan. This would keep the child with family and out of foster care while the parents work on their plan.

In order for a child to need an adoptive home, the parent would fail to complete the case plan. That might include not providing safe housing, continually failing drug screens, not participating in classes or other parts of the case plan, not remaining in contact with the case worker and essentially abandoning the child, abusing the child again during unsupervised visitation or any combination of those things. It is incredibly sad if you think about it from the goal of foster care. The goal is reunion. The whole system is set up to support a child being able to return home. There are a bunch of people supporting the reunion goal. It takes a lot of tragedy and loss for the parents' rights to be terminated.

Even if the parents' rights are terminated, other family members who can pass the background check can become the child's guardian.

For a child to need a non family adoptive placement, it means that the parents' rights have been terminated and there is no family who is suitable or willing to parent the child.

I would never wish that story on any of my kiddos. I have an adopted son. I know the questions he asks and the love he has for his birth mother. His story is one of a mother who tried to do what was best for him by making the excrutiating decision to place him for adoption. I will not share details here, but it is a story of loss and it is a story of great love as well. It is about as positive an adoption story as you can find (there is always loss in adoption).

I do not know the plans that God has for our family. He may have other forever children in our future. However, I do not hope for that or pine for that. I trust that He knows my future and the future of all of my children (the forever ones and the for now ones). So when somebody asks me about adoption I usually brush past the question because I know enough details to know how much loss that would require.

***this post is based on typical foster care progression. I acknowledge that there are many children adopted from foster care every year, and I rejoice that they have forever families. I acknowledge that there are situations that a child should never return to because it is too abusive. I just wanted to share what I as a foster mom think about when someone mentions adoption because I think it is not a well understood process in the non- foster care world.

The trouble with my cute sunglasses

I wear glasses. Not always at home but if I am driving, working, reading, cooking(learned the hard way that I need them to follow recipes correctly) I have my glasses on. I'm not a great candidate for contacts so I stick with my glasses. This year I bought really cute sunglasses. They don't have my prescription in them so I just wear them if I don't need to be doing detail work. If my husband is driving, then I am usually wearing my cute sunglasses.

Why am I talking about my glasses on a blog about our experience in foster care? Because they cause trouble when dealing with a child/children who need attachment style parenting. We've been adoptive parents for over four years and foster parents for almost a year. I have studied, read, been in classes, completed required reading, received CEUs all on attachment. I do not think I have ever been warned about the trouble with cute sunglasses.

Here's the idea of how attachment typically develops in an infant. Baby has a need, baby cries to communicate need, caregiver addresses need, baby is comforted and learns to trust that needs will be met by caregiver, therefore forming a secure attachment or bond.

Here's the idea with kiddos who do not have those secure attachments. Need expressed, need not met, baby does not feel secure, instead feels anxious, does not learn to trust, does not form appropriate secure bonds with caregiver.

Lots of things can cause attachment issues. Children who need to be in foster care often need to learn to trust and form secure attachments. This is not easy work. It is constant, it is sometimes exhausting, but it is of utmost importance. The health of future relationships rests on the ability to form secure bonds, trust, and receive love/care.

Eye contact is important for developing healthy attachments. Eye contact is intimate. A caregivers eye contact can build trust and security.

Blocked eye contact with my cute sunglasses is not worth it. You think I would know that without having to have a dramatic lesson. You would think that . . .

What about my kids?

I am often asked how my children have adjusted to being a foster family. Sometimes I sense some concern in the voices of caring friends. We definitely have lost some of the protective bubble that we were able to live in before we entered the world of foster care. I have had to have conversations with my elementary age children about abuse, domestic violence, court systems, birth families, and the effects of poor choices. Conversations that would not have occurred if they were not foster siblings. They have adapted very well and I see many positive changes in them as a result of opening our home.

Today, they were playing together in our playroom while I made an important phone call. As soon as I finished, I headed to the playroom to check on them. They were busy using colorful duct tape to make bracelets and bookmarks. They met me with excitement as I came into the room, "Mom, we are going to sell them and give the money to our agency." As they expanded on their plan one of them expressed the desire to specifically help children in our care, the other was content to help "all the babies".
Even their creative play has changed because their eyes are open to the needs of those around them.

So my answer is my kids are just fine. Better than they were before even.

My Infertility may be my greatest blessing

This time ten years ago we were waiting on some genetic testing to come back. Genetic testing takes forever because it is complex. I did not wait patiently. I was anxious, irritable, and hard to live with. A few weeks earlier we had received the news that having children was not going to be easy. I was 24 years old, and facing the real possibility that I might not ever be a mother. Those tests did eventually come back. More specialists were involved. We both had surgery (I told you it was complicated), and our options were few.

I raged at God for a long time. I hated what was happening in my life. I knew we wanted to be parents, and I felt like we would at least be decent at it. I could see that my husband would be an excellent father. Our diagnosis made no sense in my mind. We should be able to have children (insert stomping foot and whiny voice here).

From my perspective this was a no brainer, we should be able to have biological children. I realize now that God was not just looking at me and loving me during those dark days. He could see my son's mother in Guatemala, even though she was still really a child then, and knew her needs. He could see our son, and knew he needed a family. He could see the children who will spend a season here who needed to be safe and experience love. He could see my forever children who have been wonderful foster siblings. He could see others who have heard our story and have been encouraged that God loves them too.

He knew my desire to be a mother because he placed it in my heart. He had a beautiful plan for me, and I am so very thankful for the blessings I have been given. I will never again have ultrasound pictures or due dates to share. I cannot post all the cute toddler antics that happen in my house because the toddler is not my own. But I am thankful that this is my life. I am thankful for our inability to have more children. It has taken nearly a decade to come to this amount of peace about such a difficult diagnosis. Time has allowed me to see that He was loving me and blessing me by not allowing me to have more biological children.

In our life, infertility is one of our greatest blessings.

Comments

I'm not a saint. I'm not a wonderful person. I am not strong. I'm not so great.

I'm a regular person that gets frustrated and worn out.

This week as we have lived this foster care life in front of our friends and family I've gotten a lot of the "you're so great" comments. Often followed by its cousin, "I could never do that". Can I be really honest? Those make me really uncomfortable because I know how not great I am. I'm not super woman and I fail every day. I am writing for two reasons.

1. I think the more people understand what foster care is like the more they can use their own unique skills and gifts to support and encourage children/families in hard spots. This week I had a friend who could frame my emotions for me from an objective perspective. That was a huge support for me.

2. It's free therapy. Sometimes I work out how I'm feeling and what I'm learning during these busy days by writing it out. I can process things as I form concrete thoughts instead of letting everything bounce around inside my head while I try to listen to three kids talk to me at one time.

The main reason I get really squirmy when somebody talks about me being great is I deserve no credit for anything good in this. I believe that this is all God. I believe He has a great plan for all the people who live in my home, but I also believe He has a great plan for your family too. It might not look like my house, but He wants to use the gifts he has given you for his glory. I fought him for a long time on this, but now I know this is what is best for our family even though it is not easy.

So anyway, I'm not great, God is great. (I guess I could have skipped all the other stuff and just written that.)

Roller Coaster

I think God used the last decade of our life to prepare us to be foster parents. He worked quietly and steadily to mold us and teach us things that we would not have learned if we did not go through certain trials. So today I find myself thankful for situations and disappointments that rocked my faith at the time. I find myself thankful for irresolvable infertility and a long, difficult adoption. Both of those journeys taught me that God is sovereign over all things. He is faithful even when I find myself in circumstances that I do not understand.

They say foster care is a roller coaster ride. All I know to do is trust my God who is sovereign over all things, even roller coasters.

This little one who is here now will not remember us or his time here. There really is no way to prepare a little one for this situation.

He has grown and recovered so much here. I see glimpses of the fruit of what he has learned with us, and that encourages me. I know he cannot remember us because he is too young. I do hope some of the lessons of our home will go with him deep in his heart. Just a few off the top of my head:

1. Families do not hurt one another.
2. Saying "please","thank you", and "I'm sorry" is important
3. It's okay to trust and love other people.
4. Be thankful to God for our food. (he has started bowing his head when we pray, too precious)
5. "Jesus Loves Me this I know for the Bible tells me so".
6. You are wonderful and special and priceless.


I love being a foster mom. It is hard. Helping a child even start to recover from abuse or negleect is overwhelming. But having a front row seat to see them laugh, love, and grow without reservation is worth the hard. Knowing they have experienced a loving family during their formative years gives me hope That they may break the cycle of abuse that often exists. Foster care has opened a part of our hearts that we did not know existed. Such a wonderful blessing.

Transtions

I am preparing myself for a new role in this little one's life. In a matter of weeks I am going to abruptly shift from full time mommy to physically uninvolved in his day to day life. I have been thinking a lot about my role as a praying mama in the background of his life. The truth is I was praying for him before I knew him. I had a burden to pray for our coming foster child all last summer and fall. Now that I know the story of his situation, I know why I was so burdened for him. (Over the last week, I have started to feel burdened to pray for whoever our next little one may be, but that is a thought process for another day.) The praying mama is the only role I can keep from our time together. It is the role that the State has no control over.

I wanted a verse that I could use as his verse that I could pray for him as he grows. I have had this idea in the back of my mind, but I just had not found the verse I wanted to be his yet.

Today I think I found it. Right in the middle of the verses our pastor used as he preached this morning. I knew when I read it, that this was my prayer for my little guy. The context of the verse is Joshua speaking to the Ruebenites, Gadites, and half of the tribe of Manasseh. They are returning to their home on the other side of the Jordan River, and he is giving them instructions. I love the picture of Joshua sending them off with loving encouragement.

Only be very careful to observe the commandment and the law that Moses the servant of the LORD commanded you, to love the LORD your God, and to walk in all his ways and to keep his commandments and to cling to him and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul."

What drew me to this verse was, "to cling to him". It sums up my hopes and prayers for this little one. I am not looking forward to the time that he will leave. However, I have to believe that God has a plan for his life and I have to trust him.

Foster Families Need a Village Too

This post is coming from a bunch of different thoughts all running around in my head. The first is May is National Foster Care month. Second, I think that a lot of people want to do something to help foster children, but might not be in a place to open their home right now. Third, the prospect of having a new foster placement after our current little one leaves brings up memories of how hard those first few weeks and months were with this little guy. The "hello" of foster care has its own set of challenges. Fourth and finally this blog started out of a few frequently asked questions I answered on Facebook. One of my favorite questions when we were adjusting with this little guy: "can I bring dinner?". Not necessarily frequently asked, but asked by some wonderful ladies who saw my need, and reached out to me.

So all that has been floating around in my head, and it made me think of that saying about it takes a village to raise a child. Well,foster families really need a village. A diverse village of folks who have different roles. With it being foster care month I thought I'd write about our developing village. Appearing in no particular order:

1. The professionals: social workers, therapists, and early intervention specialists. They provide the support services for the child and sometimes the foster family. Necessary people who work hard. The number of texts and phone calls I would get in a day during the first few weeks of this placement could drain my cell phone battery by 10am. It's overwhelming at times. There have been weeks when I was thankful for the weekend just to have a break from managing the foster care schedule.

2. Friends who have kept my big kids. At the beginning of this placement we were getting very little sleep. For months we got very little sleep. We were exhausted. People did not realize how sleep deprived we were because he was not a newborn, but because of several issues sleep wasn't happening. A friend knew of the situation took my big kids one Sunday afternoon. We slept while the baby slept. It was wonderful. My big kids got special attention, and came home to rested parents. Win. Win.

3. Friends with food. A lot of times people don't think of foster families, or even adoptive families, with a new child like they would a family who had just given birth. I realize the physical recovery is not there. I have given birth. I've adopted a child as a toddler, and I've brought home a todddler with 90 minutes notice. There are a couple of things that have occurred each time. First, my previous schedule no longer works, therefore, making dinner is tough. Second, life is overwhelming with a new family member until things settle down no matter the method of arrival. Third, both of the toddlers I have brought home have had stress reactions to me cooking. I don't know if it was the food preparation or the fact that I'm paying attention to something else. Either way both kiddos have freaked out when I start to cook at first. I'm not that poor of a cook. The friends who brought meals literally lifted stress off of my shoulders.

4. Neighbors. My neighbors are wonderful. They fully embraced our little one from the beginning. They have kept my kids during social worker visits to help out without even being asked. They saw the cars, knew what was going on, and invited my kids over to play. They bought cute outfits when he first came and wrapped them up just like we had had a baby. No worries about how long he would be here, just welcoming him to the neighborhood.

5. Daycare. The daycare we are using is familiar with foster families. They are accustomed to kids being picked up to go to visits, and dealing with the payment system for childcare. They have been another good support for me.

6. Friends who listen. Sometimes having all the responsibility for a child and none of the authority to make decisions can make you batty. Today I literally stomped my foot in frustration several times after reading an email. Having a friend or two to express those frustrations to is priceless. Not breaking confideentiality just saying "I'm FRUSTRATED."

7. Babysitting. This one is a challenge. The information here is specific to our state. If we want to have a babysitter at our house we have to get them fingerprinted and background checked if they are 18 or older. If they are a younger teenager we just have to do a quicker child abuse and neglect background check. We currently do to have any babysitters background checked. That means we cannot leave a foster child at our home with someone other than one of us. That includes the grandparents when they are in town. We can allow our foster child to stay at someone else's house as long as it is less than 24 hours. We did do this one time so we could get some of our continuing education hours in. This is an area I need to work on. I miss going out with my husband.

8. Praying friends. I have a few people who I ask to pray as specific things are happening with this little one. I try to maintain confidentiality and still have the prayer support we need. Knowing they are on their knees with me about needs we have is comforting.

This is not a comprehensive list. There are other people who support us as well. Parenting is hard no matter the method of arrival. Foster parenting is like extreme parenting at times. You can support a foster family and therefore the children in their care without ever having to open your own home. Foster families absolutely need a village too.

Hello may be harder than Goodbye

We are preparing our hearts and our minds to say "Goodbye". There are moments that the sadness of saying goodbye catches me off guard. I am happy that this little one can be out of foster care and hopefully have permanency. I am thankful for our time together, and amazed at how much healing has taken place in these months.

But I'm no going to lie or downplay the sadness in my heart. I have loved because that is what was needed. I did not hold back love or affection because it was temporary. I poured into th little one, and had the honor of watching what a consistent, loving environment can do for a child. He will forever hold a part of my heart because for this time he was my baby boy. We have told our kids from the beginning of this that we will never ask them to stop loving their foster siblings. I will never ask myself to stop loving either. Saying Goodbye will be painful even though we expected this and we understand the benefits of being with his family.

I have also been thinking a lot about what it will mean for us after ths little one leaves. I know the phone will ring again. I know that I will be given a brief story of a child who has been neglected, abused, or abandoned. A child who needs to come into foster care to be kept safe and allowed to heal. We will be asked if we can take them in. Oh how my heart wishes that call would not come. I am willing, but I do not want to be needed. When I think about how close we are to our current little guy leaving I realize it is very possible the next child who enters our home may already be in danger. May already be hurting. The "hello" of foster care is a reminder that the need continues. Hearing the story and starting to try to build a healthy relationship is not easy. There is no trust or relationship to draw on, it all has to be built over time.

Preparing for Goodbye

This post is very real. It is a peek into how I am procesing one of the hardest parts of foster care. Folks run away from being foster parents because of the intrinsically temporary nature of the relationship. The day we expect that our little guy will leave is getting closer. We openly talk about him leaving with our children as we are making summer plans. When we talk about going to the beach we remind them that he will not be there because they start making plans that include him.

I've had to give one of my children back before. When our son was in Guatemala we went to meet him and visit him nearly a year before he would eventually be adopted and come home. At the time that we visited him, we had no idea when he would come home. His case was becoming more complicated all the time. We spent a week with him. We took care of him, loved him, and just got to know him. At the end of the week we had to go home. I had to give my baby back to his caregivers and walk away.

It felt like my heart was being physically removed from my body. I can remember physically feeling the emotional stress of leaving him behind. I had loved him from a distance for many months, but I had only been with him for one week.

By the time we get to the likely "goodbye" date, we will have been taking care of this little guy for 7 months. We have been his family and all that entails. I know that my heart is going to feel like it is being removed again. If it didn't then I was a terrible foster mom. He needed us to love him deeply, and we have.

The days and weeks after I gave my boy back in Guatemala were tough. I missed him. But you know what? I survived. I healed. And eventually I could see how God worked in our life through those hard times. If we had not had to go through such a difficult adoption process then we would not have the heart for orphans we have today. We would not have the marriage and family we have today. And we would not have had the priviledge of knowing this litle one.

The time that we have with him may be ending, but I hope what he has gained here will go with him. He is a treasure.

Communication

Hubs and I have talked to many social workers over the last 6+ years of this adoption and foster care life. I think we've had five home studies and we'll be due for an update for our foster care license by the end of this summer. That's a lot of talking about our life, family, and marriage. One question is always about strengths and weaknesses as a couple. We usually put communication down as both a strength and weakness. Acknowledging that communication is important to us, but we could always do better.

As our children are getting older and we are living this atypical life communication is becoming a big part of our parenting. We are a foster family. We are not just foster parents with some forever kids. Nope. We are in this thing together. It's not easy to have a child who has been abused or neglected in the middle of your family dynamic. Their needs are often greater than a child who has not experienced abuse or neglect. Increased needs often mean increased time and attention from mom and dad. But what about my kids who are here forever? As a family we have started having these little spontaneous family check ins with just the fiur of us. We usually grab some time when the baby is asleep. It gives us all a chance to talk about how we feel about how things are going. We have a safe place to voice any concerns or frustrations over what has been going on in the house. The kids can ask any questions about how the case is going for their foster sibling and we try to answer as honestly as we can. These little spontaneous meetings almost feel like a thermometer for me as the mom. I can gauge how my children are handling things and know if anybody needs some extra attention.

Last night I stole a few minutes with my kids to determine how they were feeling about foster care now that we are discussing their foster sibling moving sooner rather than later. I offered up the idea that we could take a break if the little one were to leave over the summer until after they went back to school. I touted the idea of just having our little family back for a while and they wouldn't have to share mom and dad. I asked each one of them what their vote was: take a break or don't take a break. They both were emphatic in their decision not to take a break. They want some one else to live with us. Now their Dad and I will make the decision about when to take our next placement, but I have to say I was impressed with my kids eagerness to help the next child who might need us. I think keeping them in the loop and acknowledging their feelings in this process through our little family check-ins has helped them feel like they are an important part of this.

Normal

This morning we had the privilege of spending time with many other foster families from around our city. There was a a walk raising money and awareness for local foster care. We couldn't stay for the whole event, but we were able to see some of the staff from our agency as well as other foster parents. My kids were able to play with other kids who understand a life that includes foster siblings, social workers, visits with biological family, etc. No one asked for our story. We were just a family along with all the others.

As I walked by with the kids one of the organizers commented, "now that's a good looking family". I smiled and acknowledged that we stand out in a crowd. Another gentlemen standing by just laughed and said, "go stand next to my family, you'll fit right in." His family is larger than mine, includes special needs children, and is similarly diverse. His warmth and understanding was a big encouragement to me.

As we were leaving, we stopped to speak to a couple that we met during our training. They have had their first foster placement almost exactly as long as we have. The situations are eerily similar, and I enjoyed talking to the other mom for just a few minutes. My sweet girl joined the conversation and was able to ask a few questions as well. The other foster mom encouraged my girl, and made her feel important and needed in this fostering stuff.

I really needed the encouragement of today. I really needed to feel like this very unnatural thing can be very normal. I needed my kids to see that their are other children who have foster siblings in their life too. Today I feel encouraged right in the spot that I most needed encouragement.

Hard

Multiple times a week someone I know on the surface will say something like, "isn't going to be hard on you when he goes?" I'm not sure how I am supposed to respond. Usually I say something like: "yes, it will be hard, but it is not a surprise". Meaning no one tricked us into allowing our foster children to live with us. No one ever indicated they would be living with us for forever. Do I wonder how I will handle handing him back? Sure I do. Does it seem impossible some days? Yes. Have we made a mistake in fostering because it is hard? NO!

Why do we run away from hard? I mean I guess I know why, it's difficult. But we encourage our children to press on and overcome things that are hard. My daughter had a soccer game last week in the heat of the day with the sun beating down on her. Her team was short a player so all the players had to play for most of the game. She was hot, she was tired, and it was hard. I encouraged her to keep going, I cheered a little louder to keep her going, I poured water over her head to cool her off. I never said, "I know it's hard, why don't you just stop." There is value in learning endurance. There is value in hard.

My son has learned to read this year. It has not been easy for him. He changed primary languages at two years old. He still organizes some phrases as a Spanish speaking individual would. He has worked very hard. He has practiced and pushed through challenges along the way. We have encouraged him during moments of frustration to keep going because we know he can learn to read. Last night as I put PJs on the baby, my son read to us to keep the baby happy. He is ahead of grade level, but entered kindergarten not even knowing all of his letters. Was it hard? Yes. Was it impossible? No. Was it valuable and worth it? Yes.

Hard is inherent in life. Everyone is going to experience hard. It is a given. Did we sign up for hard? In a way we did. But, if I had the authority to tell you the details of our little one's life I hope you would see that my life is not hard. My pain is small in comparison. He is valuable and deserves to be in a safe, loving " middle" home while a safe home with family is established. I understand that this system is not perfect. I have been frustrated with aspects of the system even in the last 24 hours. I still want to do this, and yes it is hard.

Maybe that is my answer to the questions. "Yes it is hard, but we still want to do it."

Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:9-12

Just as I care for and encourage my children in the hard in their lives, so much more so does our Father care for and encourage us in the hard.

Mothers Day

Mothers day is hard for me. I realize that sounds absurd. I have two beautiful children who make me one proud mama. I have a wonderful mother who I celebrate, and a mother in law who raised my wonderful husband. All reasons to celebrate and enjoy the day. And in a lot of ways we do celebrate on Mothers Day, but often I have a lot of mixed feelings on that day.

Part of it is the scars of infertility. I hated Mothers Day for years. There was so much focus on how children are a blessing. Well, that blessing just wasn't happening for me. I know now that was because there was a different plan for my life, but at the time that felt like if I wasn't blessed with children then I must be cursed. When I'm in church on Mothers Day, I often remember how painful those services were and I realize that someone else in the room may be undergoing the same pain. I hurt for them, and pray for their comfort.

The other hard part is I have children who have other mothers. Mothers who gave them life, and for some reason cannot be with them. I hurt for their first moms. I hurt for my children who can't be with their first moms. As much as I love my children through adoption and foster care, I can never be that mom. There is loss involved that I cannot fix. On Mothers Day I feel their loss and their mothers' losses.

This year, I am also trying to find an appropriate way to encourage our foster son's mom. I believe in supporting her. I believe our encouragement is important. I cannot control how she responds or does not respond, but I can control me. Fostering our little guy also means fostering his relationships with his birth family in the hopes that those relationships can improve.

Mother Day is good. We should be thankful for our moms and for the opportunity to be a mom. For some of us it's just a little more complicated.

Call

I've been writing this post in my head for several weeks. I want to write down how in the world we ended up as a foster family before the details fade. I have a feeling this story will become part of our family's testimony of God's faithfulness to us.

When we adopted our son, I prayed that our family would feel complete. I prayed for freedom from the desire to have more children. I knew we could not haves more biological children and the adoption process had been very difficult so I really wanted to be done building our family. The more I prayed about our family, the more I felt like at least one someone was still missing. In 2010 we started the process to try to adopt through private domestic adoption. We were open to a lot of circumstances, and hoped we would be chosen by a birth mother. From time to time, we would look at birth mother profiles that were a little more complicated to determine if we wanted to be in the group of families she would view as potential adoptive families. Lots of these situations involved abuse, drugs, abandonment, and crisis. After about a year into our attempt to adopt, God started really drawing us toward foster care.

It started with our daughter who was in first grade at the time. She had begged to ride the bus as a first grader, and we were willing to give it a try. It helped me out because her brother could finish his nap without having to go through car line everyday. One day, she came bouncing off the bus with a question. She had made some new neighborhood friends who were part of a foster family. She made friends with the biological son, and met one of his foster siblings on the bus. She wanted to know what exactly a foster family was, the first child I ever explained foster care to was my own daughter. God supplies our needs, even needs we don't know we have yet. After we talked about it, my girl blurts out, "we should be a foster family!". What!?!? I sent her daddy a text that our funny girl thinks we should be a foster family. He sent back something along the lines of, " great, I hope she's not prophetic".

Several months passed, we viewed more birthmother profiles, we were never chosen, and sweet girl brought up foster care several times. I was becoming discouraged with our adoption attempt. The feelings of failure that I dealt with years before during our struggle with infertility crept back in. I couldn't understand why we had such a desire to be parents again, but this just wasn't working out. I thought foster care was crazy.

One birthmom profile that we viewed was for a baby already born. He was born with drugs in his system, and his mom wanted to look at possible adoptive families. We prayed about being shown in this situation, and decided that we were willing to be shown. When we called the social worker back to tell her we would like to be in the pile, she let us know that mom had changed her mind about adoption and wanted to parent. However, because the baby was born with drugs in his system DHR would be called. Most likely he would go to a foster home, and mom would have to work in order to regain custody.

As I struggled to understand why the adoption wasn't working out, I started to consider foster care. I struggled with why was I willing to open my home to the baby for adoption, but not when he needed a safe nurturing environment as a foster situation. I knew God was softening my heart through the birthmom profiles I had read. In several of the situations we had been a part of the mother decided to parent. Our social worker had expressed to us that she was concerned about several of those situations being able to successfully parent. I began to hurt for the moms who wanted to parent, but didn't have the support or skills required.

Early in 2011, I was home one evening after the kids went to bed. I do not remember where my husband was that evening, but he was not at home. I was searching the Internet, and the tv was on in the background. The still small voice wasn't so quiet that evening. I started to pray about our family again, and very clearly I felt God open my heart to foster care. We had the space, I had recently changed my job situation to allow for more flexibility, and we wanted to continue parenting. He was showing me that He had been preparing us for this for a while, I was just resistant. What about MY kids? The answer, "they're mine love, not yours, and I love them vastly more than you ever could. I have a plan for them and it is not to hurt them".

When my husband came home, I could hardly say the words. I knew once I said it out loud he would confirm that he thought we should pursue getting trained as foster parents. I knew if I said it out loud, it was over, my resistance would be gone. Finally, through tears, I got it out, I think we should be foster parents. And yes he confirmed it just as I suspected.

My last attempt at resistance was to tell my mother. Surely she would think this was a bad idea. So a few days later while driving to pick our son up from preschool, I called mom. She thought it was a great idea for our family. She confirmed that even a year earlier she would have been concerned about our adopted son, but he had made so much progress that she wasn't worried about him anymore.

So I gave it to God. If you want us to do this you are going to have to open all the doors, wide. Within a week or so my husband called me at work. One of the local agencies had just started the training class. It was meeting across the street from our church on a night we were available. If we wanted to start we had to start by the next class, in three days. My answer: if I can get child care for our kids, let's go for it. By that evening I had child are for our kids for the next nine Thursday evenings. The door was wide open, time to walk through in obedience.

As I sat in class each week, I knew this was right where God wanted us. This was his plan all along. As I have watched my children as foster siblings, I know they were made for this. God knows them much better than I do because he created them.

What I can't make you understand

When a couple is about to become parents no one can prepare them for what it will really be like to love their child. People try sometimes, but the description falls short because they have not yet experienced being parents.

I feel that way about trying to describe being a foster parent sometimes. Words fall short. I couldn't fully grasp how good and difficult it would be to be a foster parent until I had the experience of being a foster parent.

Today, I am thinking about a few things about foster parents that you may not have thought about.

1. Foster parents love their kids. Bio kids, adopted kids, foster kids. I do not parent based on labels. If I didn't think it might upset my big kids, I think I would describe our family this way when asked: we have a biological child, an adopted child, and a foster child; I just cannot remember which one is which. In my house everyone is loved - whether you're here for the afternoon or forever.

2. Foster parents have all the responsibility and none of the authority. This always hits home when going to the doctor. I have all the responsibility for the health and well-being of kids in my care, but I have no authority on my own to seek healthcare. I have a letter that allows me to seek medical care for our foster children, but anything beyond routine office visits involves caseworkers and birth parents. This can be frustrating when you are the one up in the middle of the night taking care of a sick baby, and it takes a while to address the underlying issue.

3. Foster parents do not focus on the temporary aspect of their job every minute. We are too busy doing life to focus on that. It is not necessary to remind us of it all the time. When you see us acting like a family, just let us have the moment. That means we are successfully doing our job, we are fostering family. While I understand the concern, it would have been nice to just live in the moment.

4. We celebrate our kids' accomplishments just as much as you celebrate accomplishments in your house. We get really excited when good things happen to and for our kids. We might not be able to post publicly, but we are no less excited. Watching a little one heal and make progress from a tough past is amazing. There are days I want to shout from the rooftops "look what God is doing", but because of privacy issues, I have to praise a bit more quietly.

5. We are the keeper of hard secrets, and some days that is overwhelming. We know things about our kids that we cannot share. We hurt when we hear more of the story, but we are limited in how we seek support for ourselves because it is not our story. This part was very hard for me in the beginning. I felt very isolated, and had to learn to ask for support while protecting privacy.

6. God is faithful. This is not fostercare specific, but I literally have to trust God with each day. There is a lot going on in our house. I cannot do it all. He can. He has, and He will.

Hard to put into words

I'm just going to start this by saying I do not want to write this post. It's close to my heart, and I do not have the ability to write well enough to convey the magnitude of my feelings. However, this theme keeps coming back to me, so here we go.

When we were in the process of adopting our son we hit several delays along the way. Because his adoption was an international adoption, we were not with him during the nearly two year process to adopt him. We missed a lot of firsts. We ended up adopting a walking, talking, very active toddler when I had really hoped the adoption would be able to complete while he still had some infant qualities. I find this funny now that he Is almost six because in comparison he really was very little, but at the time I really grieved the loss of his infancy and early toddler days.

At the time we were adopting I read a lot of blogs written by moms who were adopting from the same country. One day I read a verse on one of those blogs that leapt off the screen at me. The verse was Joel 2:25: "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten". I read that verse as a promise that God saw my heartache, he had not forgotten me. At the time I assumed that the years we would have together with our son would wipe away the pain of the delays, and that has absolutely been our experience. What I did not expect was getting to relive many of those firsts and those stages with my son by my side as a foster family. I could not have imagined the joy of watching my son tell a child who has been abused, "you are safe" - the very words we said to him over and over as he adjusted to our home. I could not have imagined how amazing it would be to listen to my son calm a screaming toddler in the car with the empathy of one who once had his whole life uprooted.

After the promise in verse 25, verse 26 promises "and you will praise the name of the LORD your God, who has worked wonders for you" . Lately, I find myself in awe of the plan God orchestrated in my life.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!" (Ephesians 3:20-21)

Unexpected

When we were in foster care training I do not remember thinking about what it would be like to watch a child make strides in our home. I was more focused on learning the process, rules, and responsibilities of being a foster parent. The first couple of months of foster parenting were tough. We were still focused on learning our new role. We were advocating for needed services, and we were trying to stabilize in our new role as a foster family

Lately, things have really settled down around our house. Our early advocating is helping. I feel like we have a front row seat to see God's healing power. It's a blessing I never expected. I am ashamed to say I think I thought more about how we could be a blessing to kids who came into our care. I was wrong, we are so very blessed to be a part of this.

Kind comment

We are a conspicuous family. I get it, we do not match. We get stared at a lot, I ignore it because I really don't have time to worry about it. Have you ever tried to take three kids to the store by yourself? There is no time for worrying about the general public and their curiosity, you've got to keep your eyes on the task at hand ;).

A lot of people never say anything. They stare and maybe make a comment to whomever they are with, but say nothing. Those are the hardest for me if I see them. It makes me wonder what they are saying.

Twice lately strangers have said the one thing that warms my heart the most. The first time it happened was a night we took the crew out to eat. The young man who took our order told my husband after I had walked away with the children, "you have a beautiful family.". He asked nothing. He acknowledged that we were obviously a family, acknowledge that we were obviously built differently, but choose not to ask any more questions. When my husband told me about the comment later I cried because it was so unexpected and kind.

Today, it happened again. We were once again eating out with the kids. A family obviously noticed us, and my radar was up. I can tell when we are getting too much attention, and my mama bear starts to rumble a bit. As the family was leaving, the mom said "you have a beautiful family." It turns out they are in the process of adopting, and that was why we drew the extra attention. I quietly stifled the mama bear :).

I don't mind answering questions, but hearing a sweet comment, with no further comment from us needed, is a treat.

Rules, rules

So foster homes have to comply with a LOT of rules. We are after all caring for someone else's child. There's a lot of liability in that for us, our agency, and the state. Therefore, the rules are designed to keep us all safe. In training they kept reminding us that every rule was due to some incident or situation in past. Some of it is just common sense parenting stuff, and some of it gets down right cumbersome.

For instance, I have to have a decal on my glass storm door so that a child in our care knows there is a glass door there and doesn't run into it. You'd think the smudges from three kids going in and out would be enough, but no we must have a decal ;).

I've already mentioned that all the medications in the house have to be under lock and key (we keep ours in a lockable toolbox). I get this one, I really do. Sometimes it becomes humorous when you've got a bunch of sick kiddos around. Mom looks like she's going to do some home repair instead of hand out the tylenol. We had more sickness this winter than we have had in a long time. I spent a lot of time with my toolbox, and we grew used to getting it out almost daily.

A couple of weeks ago my mom came to help out for a few days. We had some stuff going on here that required more adult hands than my husband and I have. Mom came to the rescue.

While she was here, she asked if I had any Benadryl. Sure, I'll just go get it. So off I head to the closet to pull out my toolbox. It suddenly hit me how absurd I looked coming down the hall with the bright orange toolbox all for a little Benadryl. Mom did kind of give me the "what are you doing" look as I opened my big box of Meds. Just trying to stay compliant :).

Foster care FAQ: How are you ever going to give him back?

Or it's close cousin in comment form: I could never give them back. It's the one thing most people know about foster care: it's not permanent. Therefore lots of conversations come around to this question.
From the moment we started training to be foster parents, it has been drilled into our heads that the goal of foster care is always reunion with family. So, I do not think of my foster children as my forever children. They are my "for now" children, and I have no idea how long "now" will last so I enjoy today. I don't make long term plans. I don't buy clothes for next fall when things go on sale as I would if a child were here forever. I talk to my kids about birth families, and how we hope children in our care can safely return to them. I send letters to the family when at visits so they can have an update. This helps my heart remember he is not here for good. I do however lavish them with love as if they were here forever. All kids who come into foster care have been abused or neglected in some form. Love and healthy family life is very important.

Honestly, I don't know what it will be like when our first little one leaves. I know we will be sad and feel the loss. I hope we can feel good about whatever situation little one goes to. I know that I will have to abide by decisions made whether I agree or not. I don't know what it will be like, but I know that just because child leaves does not mean that what we are doing is void of value.

Here's a way I can relate it to something most people have experienced. My daughter is in the second grade. She has an incredible teacher this year who she absolutely adores. Her teacher pours into those children for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for 9 months. She has taught them, cared for them, disciplined them for their own good, raised the bar of expectations of them, experienced life with them, and loved them. I have been in the room and on field trips with my daughter's class. They love their teacher and she loves them. I expect sadness and tears from my daughter in May. Her teacher may be sad as another group leaves her room, but she never expected them to stay. It was never intended that they would remain past the time needed in that class. When they move on, her room will be available for the next set of kids who need her to teach them all that second grade has to offer.
I know it is not a perfect analogy because we are not talking about a classroom. But I feel like the part about mindset is worth remembering. From the moment I knew about my foster child, I knew that one day they would leave our home. I guard my heart and my children's hearts. We know this is for a season, but we chose to pour into thiis little life for this season and hope they carry the lessons learned forever.
Finally, no one can make us stop loving or praying for children who come into and leave our home. We have told our children that we will never ask them to stop loving or caring for their foster siblings. We have encouraged them that God will always know where their foster siblings are, and the best thing we can do is pray for them forever.

I never was that flexible

People ask me a lot if it has been hard adjusting to having an extra kiddo. In a lot of ways, yes it has been hard going from man to man to a zone defense in our parenting. But I don't think the extra little one in the house is the hard part. The hard part has been adjusting to the entourage. Little one has a social worker, we've got a family social worker, there's a transporter that supervises visits, early intervention instructor, and then the typical pediatrician appointments. All of these people are involved in our life very often. They call or send text messages often, even when I'm trying to work or do other things. They set up visits that I have to organize so that they don't ovelap. All the while, I still have a job and two other kiddos with busy schedules. Not to mention my husband. I am learning to be a lot more flexible and just take it one thing at a time.
Today, I got a call that a visit had been rescheduled for later in the day than it usually is. It was fine, but I had to do some quick refiguring to make sure everything else was taken care of. It feels like my day belongs to someone else very often. I'm learning to just accept that flexibility is a must in this foster care deal.

Why a blog

Over the last week, I have been posting my most frequently asked quesations about foster care on my Facebook page. It turns out that I really enjoy writing about foster care. Obviously not the private components that I cannot talk about, but my experiences that are not private or specific to any particular foster child. When we adopted, I had a blog. It was my source of free therapy during the process. It also serves as a record of things that I can no longer remember.
So I'm going to try it again. This time about our life as a foster family. That is after all why the Meds in this house are all in a bright orange toolbox. They have to be locked up for our foster care license, and the orange toolbox meets the requirements.
So that's the first glimpse into our foster home, more to come!