Trading forevers

I remember my first night as a real foster mom.  The first night I tucked in someone else's child, and tried to make them feel safe.  There were lots of emotions that night, but I remember leaning over the crib praying that no matter how long this little one lived in our home that we would spend eternity praising our heavenly father together.  I remember praying for God to draw that little soul close.  

That night I had no idea how long our first placement would last, but I remember desperately wanting to impact this little life in such a way that a seed might be planted. That one day he might be drawn to Christ because of what he experienced here. That the Gospel might feel familiar and known, trustworthy and for him.   

Days turned to weeks, then months, then over a year.  Sometimes emotions can play tricks on you, and distract you.  I kept my first prayers of wanting this little one to be able to know God and to trust God, but some selfish prayers started sneaking in.  I began to want the "forever" we speak of on this earth.  The forever of family, the "till death do us part" kind of forever.  

Lately, I have had to reevaluate my motives and feelings (I am after all the FOSTER mom).  After much prayer and trying to just "be still" and not worry, I have decided I must focus on those initial prayers.  I want this little soul to spend the real forever as a child of God. I cannot control what happens on this earth for any of my children (the for now ones and the forever ones).  But I know that God is faithful when we fervently pray for things that are according to his will. 

(I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God that you may know that you have eternal life.
And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us.
And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him. 1 John 5:13-15).  

So I will pray for the eternal forever.  I will trust God with the rest. 

(and I will come back and read this to myself when this life gets crazy overwhelming again and I start to worry). 

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Revelation 21:4-5

It's not all rainbows and unicorns

There are moments when I don't feel like being the good foster parent.  There are moments when I get angry at the stuff that foster parents deal  with.  When I want to get off the roller coaster, and just go back to our quiet life without case workers, home visits, and foster care limbo.  

Sometimes when I'm dealing with night time kid issues or tough behaviors  I think the horrible thought, "where is your mother to deal with this".  

Sometimes when caseworkers seem reluctant to move toward a permanent plan for a child I find myself frustrated. So much so that I have to be careful not to pull away from the child involved.  It's difficult to love a child like a mom, and still guard my heart.  

People tell me a lot how great I am because I am a foster parent.  I'm not great. I am very very human.  All of those things that you might list on a con list for becoming a foster family, well those are all real.  Some days those cons feel heavy.  

Love is a choice. Even when I don't feel like continuing on this road I can choose to love.  It stinks sometimes. Lots of times really, but I still believe it is worth it. Even when I don't feel like it. 

Unnatural

Five years ago this month we were making final preparations to go pick up our son in Guatemala.  For 25 months we had been working on an international adoption.  We hit some delays and experienced the heartache that is so typical during a long adoption process.  In January of 2008 we knew that the adoption process was complete in Guatemala, and we were just waiting on immigration paperwork.  We finally knew that the little boy we hoped would be our son, was our son.  It was a very exciting time.  

During that time we met with our agency several times to make sure all paperwork was ready for us to carry with us.  We needed to make sure all was in order so we could bring him home without issue.  At some point during one of these meetings, the director of the program stopped and spoke to us from his heart.  An adoptive dad himself he wanted to encourage us as we started on a new journey.  

I remember very clearly what he said because at the time I found it almost offensive.  He encouraged us for having completed a very difficult adoption process, and then he said, "you need to know that what you are doing is not natural".  He went on to talk about the work that would be required to make us a family and that most people would not understand what our home life was about to look like.  I was offended because in those moments it felt so very natural to me.  It felt like I was finally going to get my son whom I loved.  But he was right.  My son did not know I was coming.   He didn't know anything but living in a children's home.  He didn't understand family.  So we had to work really hard to learn how to be a family.  Five years later, it is so obvious that the hard work, and lots of answered prayers, have made us a family.   

This week I was reminded of the "unnatural" part of foster care several times.  First, when I picked up a foster child's medications.  I was called Ms. "child's last name" by the pharmacy.  So I sent a message to my husband that Ms. "child's last name" had picked up the medication so he would know he didn't need to pick it up on his way home.  This was his message back to me after he joked that he was glad I did not have to show ID: "just another sign really of how absurd the idea of non relative fostering actually is. No one in their right mind thinks naturally you'd be doing that sort of stuff for kids not your own. . ." 

Later in the week, I had one of those scary mom moments where for two seconds I wasn't sure where a child was.  Turns out said child was standing so close to me (right behind my legs) that I couldn't see them.  I panicked. For two seconds I was about to go into crazy mom mode.  The adrenaline was already dumping into the blood stream.  This child is not my flesh nor do I have the promise of any future, but I was in full mom mode when I thought there might be danger.  

So I guess what I am describing is the miracle that has happened in our life.  God has opened our hearts to love in an unnatural way.  To love closer to how He loves.  It is only through him that this capacity exists.  I fail at it every day, but I am so thankful for what he has taught me through this process.  

Foster mom rebels

Rules. It is what it is. Foster care has lots of rules. Sleeping rules, space rules, safety rules, childcare rules, travel rules, documentation rules, size of fire extinguisher rules, post tornado plan in your home decor rules. You get used to it while still acknowledging those rules can be aggravating. Most are there to protect the foster family as well as the child.

I have a plan for the day our family is foster care free (if we go back to our core family at some point or if we adopt a child in our care.). That plan has to do with breaking a few rules because I will have the appropriate authority over all children living in my home. Imagine the freedom.

So last night I was with some incredible foster mom friends. One of whom had signed an adoption agreement that day. At one point in the evening, she realized she could go home, give her child medication, and NOT write it down!!! Imagine the freedom!

Foster moms are such rebels.

I have struggled with whether or not to publish this.  I have written, rewritten, and deleted several times.  Today, I'm calling it done, and just sharing a thought from my heart.  I'm okay if you don't agree.

I don't understand mommy wars. You know the ones where we line up on our favorite side of a first world mommy issue.  None of them being life and death issues.  Most of them being issues that are individual family decisions based on the needs of that particular family. 

 If we were parenting robots all built in the exact same factory with the exact same parts and history then maybe. But really, we are parenting children.  Not a one of whom is the same. They all have a different history, and are being parented by parents with different backgrounds.  It is never going to look the same and that is okay.

I have three kids living in my home right now. Both genders.  Three ages. Three VERY different histories.  They give and receive love differently.  They think differently.  My word, they sleep, sit, and walk differently.  

One parenting strategy does not fit all here.  

It grates on my nerves when we judge each others parenting choices.  I think part of it is because if the me from 9 years ago could see me now she would judge me.  She would not approve of some of the things I do now.  I have changed my mind on some things. Some of the things I did when I only had one child will not work with three.  Some of the things I thought could only be done one way can be done several ways.  Some of the things I could use to parent my biological child will not work in foster/adoption land.

I am now parenting children with trauma and loss histories.  It's a different world altogether than typical parenting.  I'm also parenting someone else's children because of very real parenting missteps (I'm being soft in my terminology here).   Choices were made, a child was in danger, and the decision had to be made to REMOVE that child from its birth family.  Mommy wars are silly in light of what some kids are dealing with every day.

And finally, mommy wars are based on judging others.  I get judged every day because of the look of my family.  People make assumptions about who we are and how our family has been built based on our appearance.  They make assumptions about my kids that may or may not be true.  It's overstepping.  And at times it gets on my nerves.  

So I refuse to participate in mommy wars.  I trust that most moms are making decisions based on what is best for their family, their children, and themselves as mothers.  I have stared into the face of situations where mom doesn't know how to parent, is unable to parent, is unwilling to parent, or lacks the environmental supports to parent.  This is not the breast feeding vs. bottle debate, the vaccination debate, the working debate, or the schooling debate.  This is serious stuff with serious consequences for the whole biological family. Cycles of abuse continue when this mess is left unchecked.

I was blessed with a family who taught me how to parent by parenting me.  I have a husband who supports me and my children.  I have family and friends who encourage me in my daily life. I am doing the best I can, and I am extremely blessed.  Most of us are.  If we would take our eyes off of our own lives for a minute, maybe we could make a difference for someone who has not had the same blessings.

Fix It

I am a fixer by nature.  I have spent the last 12 years working as a physical therapist.  My job is to try to help my patients regain as much function as possible after surgery, after  injury, or from deficits due to a chronic condition. My job is to help "fix it".  

And then I became a mom.  Talk about a chance to be a fixer. I kiss booboo's. I fix dinner.  I fix hair.  I fix broken toys. To my kids I can fix most anything (they get really frustrated when I cannot).

Then I became a foster mom.  I can help fix some stuff, but I cannot fix the big stuff.  I cannot make home safe.  I cannot go back in time and fix what happened that lead to a cycle of abusive and neglectful behavior. I cannot take away the pain.  I cannot  fix it.  Lately I have had to come to terms with my limitations in "fixing" things.  I've had to face my own pride in being a good "fixer".  Only God can restore broken hearts and lives.  I have to trust Him.