I never really talk about the grief of foster care. Maybe that's because everyone else always brings up the grief part when they talk to me. "Isn't it so hard to give him back?" "How are you going to give a baby back?" "You haven't heard from him, I don't know how you do it?" The answer to those questions is grief. Real grief that grows out of real love and loss.

I feel the grief of foster care every day. I don't dwell in it, but I feel the reminders and pangs of it. When I see his class at church, and he's not there. When I pick the baby up at daycare, and his old classroom door is cracked and I can see the spot where he used to run to me every afternoon. When I go to meet the teacher, and people who know us in the community ask where our other son is. Then when they ask the isn't it hard questions for the millionth time. Yes, it's hard. Maybe I need a "business" card to hand out. "I'm a foster mom, yes it's hard."

If I'm really honest, then I have to admit that sometimes I want to just walk away from foster care. The reality is that it's tempting to think of how much easier my life would be without foster care. But, we know that this is our place of ministry for now. Sometimes I wish that we would have a placement stay forever, and then maybe my family would feel complete. I am often jealous of families that know they are complete. The family pictures that have the same people every year, I'm jealous. I've wanted our family to grow for roughly 6 years. For now God's answer to that desire is, No. That hurts too.

So here I am today, honest about my emotions but setting them aside. We are called to this ministry. I could walk away, no one is forcing me to stay, but the idea that a child might need us and we wouldn't be there scares me more than the grief. So we keep going. Within the next few weeks we will go through the reapproval process to start year 4. Our time in foster care is not finished.

So, how are we?

May is here, hallelujah! May is not only the wrap up of our school year and the gateway to summer, it is also foster care awareness month. As a foster parent we often hear the statement from others about not being able to foster because it would be too hard to give them back. So how are we a couple of weeks after we said goodbye to our foster son of 2.5 years? I think people really want to know how we are doing, but it's really hard to know how to ask. So I'm just going to answer it here for those who want to know, as part of foster care awareness, and for me to be able to look back on. I'm not sure how composed this will be, it may be more of a stream of consciousness than a composed post.

For the most part we are very good. We have slept in, gone to the movies as a family with just big kids, had no morning melt downs, and simply recovered from a very long ride on the foster care roller coaster. What most people do not know is the last part of those two and a half years was really rough. The system and the realities of life took everyone involved on some rough twists and turns. As much as we loved deeply and fully, there was some relief when the court decision was finally made and we were all out of limbo. For months we expressed how badly our little guy needed to be wherever he was going to be, the back and forth was detrimental, he needed permanency. As we drove away from court without him there was some joy mingled with our tears that he finally had permanency.

This is what we worked for. The goal in his case was always reunification with parent. It never changed in those 2.5 years. We loved deeply, fully, as if he was ours BUT he never was ours and no one ever said he would be ours. We never let our children believe he would stay forever, and we spoke of his mother daily. There were visits that reminded all involved that he had a family who was working to be able to have him home permanently.

I looked into his mother's eyes that day in court. I can't really write about that because I need to protect their privacy, but it I didn't grieve like I was losing a son because of her eyes. Was I/am I still sometimes sad? Absolutely. But she is a real person who was getting another chance that day. There is so much good in that. I couldn't be devastated because I had hope for her and in turn for him.

My God is a god of comfort. He has been with us every step. He has been close to us all through this transition back to a family of 4. He has provided friends, fun, laughter, unexpected time with our children, a beautiful spring after a long winter, and hope for all of our future. He has provided prayer in the sad or anxious moments. He is good, may He receive all the glory.

So how are my kids? They are good. We have had sadness and grief. We have had times of missing their brother where we just needed to hold close and remember him. But we have also had dreams for our future as a foster family. They both say they want us to keep doing foster care as a family. They both have developed wish lists for who they would like to have join us next.

My daughter expressed just days after court that she wasn't devastated. She told me she really expected to be, but she wasn't. She went on to describe in 10 year old words a hopeful sadness. I completely agree with her assessment.

The other night we were discussing when we would be ready to start again. As we came to a decision, they both cheered at the thought of opening our home again. We are a foster FAMILY not just foster parents.

I grieved a lot before he left. The last few months and particularly the last 6 weeks were rough. I grieved hard during those times. The not knowing, the limbo, the not being able to make any plans at all was rough. The knowing is better. I can deal with known so much better than the unknown. Sadness does creep in sometimes. Memories are all over this house, and our life, but the memories are fond memories. His picture remains all over our home just like the other two. He may no longer live in this house, but he will forever live in our hearts. Family court has no jurisdiction there.

So that's where we are. So glad for the time with our little guy. Thankful for every day that he was here. Certain he was here as long as he was supposed to be, but not a day longer. Hopeful for his future because we trust that God holds his future. Hopeful for our future as well. Knowing that this life is never easy and is full of brokenness, but God is good.

Found my voice again

Did I ever tell you the story of when I cried like a baby waiting to meet Aladdin and Jasmine at Disney World?  

It had been a long few weeks of foster care.  We had left our foster son of two plus years in respite because we never imagined he would still be in care by the time the trip rolled around.  We planned the trip for our core family, and to spend time with our forevers.  The afternoon before we left there was a phone call.  Basically he was going to leave foster care while we were gone.  We wouldn't be there. Suddenly it was our last night together. Devastating sums it up. We said our goodbyes in the driveway of a dear foster mom friend.  I was afraid I would never see her house the same way. 

And then by craziness of this life he didn't leave.  Waiting in line to meet Mickey we found out we had a few more weeks.  

Fast forward a couple of more days.  Tired from several days of all the magic of Disney World, and feeling torn with one of "my" kids back at home it happened.  We wanted to meet Aladdin and Jasmine.  The line wasn't bad, so we decided we would wait.  

These two were a great pair.  They were perfectly in character.  They were playing off of each other, and the people they were meeting.  It was a lighthearted time.  And then I started crying.  They were treating each child (and teenager and adult) as if they were the only child there.  They were noticing details about the child, and asking or commenting.  They were treating each child as a precious child.  I couldn't hold back the emotions of the past several weeks of foster care anymore.  

You see that's what foster parents try to do every day.  We try to show a child, that likely has been convinced they are not precious, that on the contrary they are extremely precious.  And unlike those dressed up fictional characters who are pretending to be princes and princesses there is a true King who knows just how precious they are.  He knows because He made them, He loves them, He died for them.  And I have the beautiful privilege of introducing them to Him.  

It was all too much and too overwhelming for this momma's heart.  So I just stood in line and quietly cried. 

They are precious in his sight.