Tonight I had a few minutes with just my big girl. The little one was around, but safely occupied. I asked her if she ever worried about what it will be like when this one leaves since it is becoming such a long placement. This is a paraphrase of our conversation:
Big girl: sometimes I do because ______ has a big part in my heart.
Me: that's true, that place in our hearts has really grown since _______ has been here so long.
Big Girl: that will always be _______'s place in my heart. I'm never going to give that spot away. I will miss ______, but I will still have this place in my heart.
Me: no, you never have to give it away or forget. It will hurt, but we will be glad we had this time together I think.
Big girl: I mean I may grow a new spot if we have someone else in our house, but that will always be ______'s spot. God can make your heart as big as you need it to be so that you can love lots of people. Everyone gets there own spot in your heart. You never know how big your heart can grow.
Me: you are exactly right.
My big girl has a better understanding of love than I do I think. I wonder how big her heart will grow . . .
Monday, August 20, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Daily
Daily I receive this comment, "it is going to be so hard on you and your family when they have to go back." Daily. Sometimes multiple times a day.
I never know what to say. I find myself trying to make the commenter feel better, but on the inside it just plain hurts. It kind of stabs, and reminds me that I am only the interim. I stand in someone else's place for a time. Trouble is I don't know how long this "time" may last.
Sometimes it makes me wonder why we are doing this. Why are we submitting ourselves to a relationship that involves so much time, love, sacrifice, loss of sleep, loss of freedom, loss of privacy that will not last?
Then I remember the story and circumstances that created the need for this relationship. A child in need of foster care has often been abused, neglected, in pain, abandoned, and lost more than I will lose when this relationship ends. If I can take a little of the pain off a little one for a while then my pain is worthwhile. If I can help them heal while I keep them safe then we all benefit.
What if we had said no? The need would have still been there because we did not create the need. We were willing to meet a need, but hoped we would never be needed (we were needed within 6 weeks of being approved). We would have missed out. We are a different family today for the better.
Usually I end up saying something like, "it's worth it" and then I smile. What no one sees is I am teary behind that smile. I'm sad because they are right it will hurt. I'm sad because I know the story that created the need for foster care. I'm sad because my pain is not more valuable than that of a abused or neglected child. I'm sad because sometimes this is a lonely road, and when someone points out the hurt then I feel alone on the road.
35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,
36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.'
37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?
38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?
39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?'
40 And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.' Matthew 25:35-40
I never know what to say. I find myself trying to make the commenter feel better, but on the inside it just plain hurts. It kind of stabs, and reminds me that I am only the interim. I stand in someone else's place for a time. Trouble is I don't know how long this "time" may last.
Sometimes it makes me wonder why we are doing this. Why are we submitting ourselves to a relationship that involves so much time, love, sacrifice, loss of sleep, loss of freedom, loss of privacy that will not last?
Then I remember the story and circumstances that created the need for this relationship. A child in need of foster care has often been abused, neglected, in pain, abandoned, and lost more than I will lose when this relationship ends. If I can take a little of the pain off a little one for a while then my pain is worthwhile. If I can help them heal while I keep them safe then we all benefit.
What if we had said no? The need would have still been there because we did not create the need. We were willing to meet a need, but hoped we would never be needed (we were needed within 6 weeks of being approved). We would have missed out. We are a different family today for the better.
Usually I end up saying something like, "it's worth it" and then I smile. What no one sees is I am teary behind that smile. I'm sad because they are right it will hurt. I'm sad because I know the story that created the need for foster care. I'm sad because my pain is not more valuable than that of a abused or neglected child. I'm sad because sometimes this is a lonely road, and when someone points out the hurt then I feel alone on the road.
35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,
36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.'
37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?
38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?
39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?'
40 And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.' Matthew 25:35-40
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Love is not biological
For at least six and a half years people have told me that they doubt their ability to love a non-biological child as they would a biological child. I have had the privilege of having a biological child as well as adopting a child, fostering, being an aunt on my husband's side of our family (no bio connection to me), and loving a couple of my friends' kiddos like my own. I think that comment is ridiculous,and I have an argument to support my thinking.
Love is not based on biology. I know this, and so do you. How do we know this, you ask? Where did you (or do you) look for a spouse? In your biological family? Um, no. If love were based on biological connection, the best marriages would be between brother and sister. Gross, I know, but if you extend the argument of needing biology to love a child to the love between spouses this is the natural conclusion.
Love and family are not based on biology. Love and family are based on relationships, time spent together, shared experiences that become family traditions, a sense of belonging, working together to overcome difficulty, and so much more.
Most parent-child relationships start with a biological foundation. It is a foundation that a RELATIONSHIP must be built upon. (The biology part only means that the hospital is sending a baby home with you). The relationship part is not based on biology. It is based on committment and time regardless of biological connection.
I guess it kind of gets under my skin when somebody makes that comment to me because I feel like they are questioning my love for my kiddos. My heart does not label my kids based on their entrance into my life. My heart holds every moment since as we have formed a relationship.
Love is not based on biology. I know this, and so do you. How do we know this, you ask? Where did you (or do you) look for a spouse? In your biological family? Um, no. If love were based on biological connection, the best marriages would be between brother and sister. Gross, I know, but if you extend the argument of needing biology to love a child to the love between spouses this is the natural conclusion.
Love and family are not based on biology. Love and family are based on relationships, time spent together, shared experiences that become family traditions, a sense of belonging, working together to overcome difficulty, and so much more.
Most parent-child relationships start with a biological foundation. It is a foundation that a RELATIONSHIP must be built upon. (The biology part only means that the hospital is sending a baby home with you). The relationship part is not based on biology. It is based on committment and time regardless of biological connection.
I guess it kind of gets under my skin when somebody makes that comment to me because I feel like they are questioning my love for my kiddos. My heart does not label my kids based on their entrance into my life. My heart holds every moment since as we have formed a relationship.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Smile and nod
Sometimes as a foster parent you just have to smile and nod. People are naturally curious about our life because it is different. There is a lot of secrecy in foster care to protect privacy so it becomes more difficult for people to understand what is really involved in being a foster parent. In most states prospective foster parents have to complete many hours (think 30) of training before they can even start the process to be an approved home. No one checked into our background until the training was complete. A lot of that training is spent on teaching us that the goal of foster care is ALWAYS reunification with the birth family. It always starts with reunification as the focus and the goal.
Most people in the everyday world know a family or child who has experienced adoption from foster care. So I get it when somebody makes a comment that reveals their lack of exposure to foster care. So I am going to address one of the well meaning comments that make me smile and nod. It typically goes something like this, "are you going to adopt her/him?"
Note: I am going to make up scenarios in this post. None of this story is based on children I know or have ever been in my care. Similarities to any child in foster care is purely coincidental (or a result of those 30 hours of training plus continuing education).
In order for a child to be adopted from foster care, the birth parent's parental rights are terminated. It takes a lot for parental rights to be terminated (thank goodness, I really do not like the thought of that being easy). When a child first comes into care, there is an initial hearing. At that point the state presents to the judge the reasons the child was removed. For instance, a newborn is born addicted to drugs, siblings are being neglected because momma is struggling with a meth addiction, a doctor has notified DHR of findings consistent with physical abuse, or any number of other abuse/neglect issues.
If the judge determines that there is enough evidence that the child is in danger if they go home then the child remains in foster care and the parents will be required to complete a case plan to try to demonstrate that they can safely parent. At the beginning, the case worker is also looking for any suitable family members who are willing to take care of the child while the parent works on their plan. This would keep the child with family and out of foster care while the parents work on their plan.
In order for a child to need an adoptive home, the parent would fail to complete the case plan. That might include not providing safe housing, continually failing drug screens, not participating in classes or other parts of the case plan, not remaining in contact with the case worker and essentially abandoning the child, abusing the child again during unsupervised visitation or any combination of those things. It is incredibly sad if you think about it from the goal of foster care. The goal is reunion. The whole system is set up to support a child being able to return home. There are a bunch of people supporting the reunion goal. It takes a lot of tragedy and loss for the parents' rights to be terminated.
Even if the parents' rights are terminated, other family members who can pass the background check can become the child's guardian.
For a child to need a non family adoptive placement, it means that the parents' rights have been terminated and there is no family who is suitable or willing to parent the child.
I would never wish that story on any of my kiddos. I have an adopted son. I know the questions he asks and the love he has for his birth mother. His story is one of a mother who tried to do what was best for him by making the excrutiating decision to place him for adoption. I will not share details here, but it is a story of loss and it is a story of great love as well. It is about as positive an adoption story as you can find (there is always loss in adoption).
I do not know the plans that God has for our family. He may have other forever children in our future. However, I do not hope for that or pine for that. I trust that He knows my future and the future of all of my children (the forever ones and the for now ones). So when somebody asks me about adoption I usually brush past the question because I know enough details to know how much loss that would require.
***this post is based on typical foster care progression. I acknowledge that there are many children adopted from foster care every year, and I rejoice that they have forever families. I acknowledge that there are situations that a child should never return to because it is too abusive. I just wanted to share what I as a foster mom think about when someone mentions adoption because I think it is not a well understood process in the non- foster care world.
Most people in the everyday world know a family or child who has experienced adoption from foster care. So I get it when somebody makes a comment that reveals their lack of exposure to foster care. So I am going to address one of the well meaning comments that make me smile and nod. It typically goes something like this, "are you going to adopt her/him?"
Note: I am going to make up scenarios in this post. None of this story is based on children I know or have ever been in my care. Similarities to any child in foster care is purely coincidental (or a result of those 30 hours of training plus continuing education).
In order for a child to be adopted from foster care, the birth parent's parental rights are terminated. It takes a lot for parental rights to be terminated (thank goodness, I really do not like the thought of that being easy). When a child first comes into care, there is an initial hearing. At that point the state presents to the judge the reasons the child was removed. For instance, a newborn is born addicted to drugs, siblings are being neglected because momma is struggling with a meth addiction, a doctor has notified DHR of findings consistent with physical abuse, or any number of other abuse/neglect issues.
If the judge determines that there is enough evidence that the child is in danger if they go home then the child remains in foster care and the parents will be required to complete a case plan to try to demonstrate that they can safely parent. At the beginning, the case worker is also looking for any suitable family members who are willing to take care of the child while the parent works on their plan. This would keep the child with family and out of foster care while the parents work on their plan.
In order for a child to need an adoptive home, the parent would fail to complete the case plan. That might include not providing safe housing, continually failing drug screens, not participating in classes or other parts of the case plan, not remaining in contact with the case worker and essentially abandoning the child, abusing the child again during unsupervised visitation or any combination of those things. It is incredibly sad if you think about it from the goal of foster care. The goal is reunion. The whole system is set up to support a child being able to return home. There are a bunch of people supporting the reunion goal. It takes a lot of tragedy and loss for the parents' rights to be terminated.
Even if the parents' rights are terminated, other family members who can pass the background check can become the child's guardian.
For a child to need a non family adoptive placement, it means that the parents' rights have been terminated and there is no family who is suitable or willing to parent the child.
I would never wish that story on any of my kiddos. I have an adopted son. I know the questions he asks and the love he has for his birth mother. His story is one of a mother who tried to do what was best for him by making the excrutiating decision to place him for adoption. I will not share details here, but it is a story of loss and it is a story of great love as well. It is about as positive an adoption story as you can find (there is always loss in adoption).
I do not know the plans that God has for our family. He may have other forever children in our future. However, I do not hope for that or pine for that. I trust that He knows my future and the future of all of my children (the forever ones and the for now ones). So when somebody asks me about adoption I usually brush past the question because I know enough details to know how much loss that would require.
***this post is based on typical foster care progression. I acknowledge that there are many children adopted from foster care every year, and I rejoice that they have forever families. I acknowledge that there are situations that a child should never return to because it is too abusive. I just wanted to share what I as a foster mom think about when someone mentions adoption because I think it is not a well understood process in the non- foster care world.
Monday, July 30, 2012
The trouble with my cute sunglasses
I wear glasses. Not always at home but if I am driving, working, reading, cooking(learned the hard way that I need them to follow recipes correctly) I have my glasses on. I'm not a great candidate for contacts so I stick with my glasses. This year I bought really cute sunglasses. They don't have my prescription in them so I just wear them if I don't need to be doing detail work. If my husband is driving, then I am usually wearing my cute sunglasses.
Why am I talking about my glasses on a blog about our experience in foster care? Because they cause trouble when dealing with a child/children who need attachment style parenting. We've been adoptive parents for over four years and foster parents for almost a year. I have studied, read, been in classes, completed required reading, received CEUs all on attachment. I do not think I have ever been warned about the trouble with cute sunglasses.
Here's the idea of how attachment typically develops in an infant. Baby has a need, baby cries to communicate need, caregiver addresses need, baby is comforted and learns to trust that needs will be met by caregiver, therefore forming a secure attachment or bond.
Here's the idea with kiddos who do not have those secure attachments. Need expressed, need not met, baby does not feel secure, instead feels anxious, does not learn to trust, does not form appropriate secure bonds with caregiver.
Lots of things can cause attachment issues. Children who need to be in foster care often need to learn to trust and form secure attachments. This is not easy work. It is constant, it is sometimes exhausting, but it is of utmost importance. The health of future relationships rests on the ability to form secure bonds, trust, and receive love/care.
Eye contact is important for developing healthy attachments. Eye contact is intimate. A caregivers eye contact can build trust and security.
Blocked eye contact with my cute sunglasses is not worth it. You think I would know that without having to have a dramatic lesson. You would think that . . .
Why am I talking about my glasses on a blog about our experience in foster care? Because they cause trouble when dealing with a child/children who need attachment style parenting. We've been adoptive parents for over four years and foster parents for almost a year. I have studied, read, been in classes, completed required reading, received CEUs all on attachment. I do not think I have ever been warned about the trouble with cute sunglasses.
Here's the idea of how attachment typically develops in an infant. Baby has a need, baby cries to communicate need, caregiver addresses need, baby is comforted and learns to trust that needs will be met by caregiver, therefore forming a secure attachment or bond.
Here's the idea with kiddos who do not have those secure attachments. Need expressed, need not met, baby does not feel secure, instead feels anxious, does not learn to trust, does not form appropriate secure bonds with caregiver.
Lots of things can cause attachment issues. Children who need to be in foster care often need to learn to trust and form secure attachments. This is not easy work. It is constant, it is sometimes exhausting, but it is of utmost importance. The health of future relationships rests on the ability to form secure bonds, trust, and receive love/care.
Eye contact is important for developing healthy attachments. Eye contact is intimate. A caregivers eye contact can build trust and security.
Blocked eye contact with my cute sunglasses is not worth it. You think I would know that without having to have a dramatic lesson. You would think that . . .
Sunday, July 15, 2012
What about my kids?
I am often asked how my children have adjusted to being a foster family. Sometimes I sense some concern in the voices of caring friends. We definitely have lost some of the protective bubble that we were able to live in before we entered the world of foster care. I have had to have conversations with my elementary age children about abuse, domestic violence, court systems, birth families, and the effects of poor choices. Conversations that would not have occurred if they were not foster siblings. They have adapted very well and I see many positive changes in them as a result of opening our home.
Today, they were playing together in our playroom while I made an important phone call. As soon as I finished, I headed to the playroom to check on them. They were busy using colorful duct tape to make bracelets and bookmarks. They met me with excitement as I came into the room, "Mom, we are going to sell them and give the money to our agency." As they expanded on their plan one of them expressed the desire to specifically help children in our care, the other was content to help "all the babies".
Even their creative play has changed because their eyes are open to the needs of those around them.
So my answer is my kids are just fine. Better than they were before even.
Today, they were playing together in our playroom while I made an important phone call. As soon as I finished, I headed to the playroom to check on them. They were busy using colorful duct tape to make bracelets and bookmarks. They met me with excitement as I came into the room, "Mom, we are going to sell them and give the money to our agency." As they expanded on their plan one of them expressed the desire to specifically help children in our care, the other was content to help "all the babies".
Even their creative play has changed because their eyes are open to the needs of those around them.
So my answer is my kids are just fine. Better than they were before even.
Friday, July 13, 2012
My Infertility may be my greatest blessing
This time ten years ago we were waiting on some genetic testing to come back. Genetic testing takes forever because it is complex. I did not wait patiently. I was anxious, irritable, and hard to live with. A few weeks earlier we had received the news that having children was not going to be easy. I was 24 years old, and facing the real possibility that I might not ever be a mother. Those tests did eventually come back. More specialists were involved. We both had surgery (I told you it was complicated), and our options were few.
I raged at God for a long time. I hated what was happening in my life. I knew we wanted to be parents, and I felt like we would at least be decent at it. I could see that my husband would be an excellent father. Our diagnosis made no sense in my mind. We should be able to have children (insert stomping foot and whiny voice here).
From my perspective this was a no brainer, we should be able to have biological children. I realize now that God was not just looking at me and loving me during those dark days. He could see my son's mother in Guatemala, even though she was still really a child then, and knew her needs. He could see our son, and knew he needed a family. He could see the children who will spend a season here who needed to be safe and experience love. He could see my forever children who have been wonderful foster siblings. He could see others who have heard our story and have been encouraged that God loves them too.
He knew my desire to be a mother because he placed it in my heart. He had a beautiful plan for me, and I am so very thankful for the blessings I have been given. I will never again have ultrasound pictures or due dates to share. I cannot post all the cute toddler antics that happen in my house because the toddler is not my own. But I am thankful that this is my life. I am thankful for our inability to have more children. It has taken nearly a decade to come to this amount of peace about such a difficult diagnosis. Time has allowed me to see that He was loving me and blessing me by not allowing me to have more biological children.
In our life, infertility is one of our greatest blessings.
I raged at God for a long time. I hated what was happening in my life. I knew we wanted to be parents, and I felt like we would at least be decent at it. I could see that my husband would be an excellent father. Our diagnosis made no sense in my mind. We should be able to have children (insert stomping foot and whiny voice here).
From my perspective this was a no brainer, we should be able to have biological children. I realize now that God was not just looking at me and loving me during those dark days. He could see my son's mother in Guatemala, even though she was still really a child then, and knew her needs. He could see our son, and knew he needed a family. He could see the children who will spend a season here who needed to be safe and experience love. He could see my forever children who have been wonderful foster siblings. He could see others who have heard our story and have been encouraged that God loves them too.
He knew my desire to be a mother because he placed it in my heart. He had a beautiful plan for me, and I am so very thankful for the blessings I have been given. I will never again have ultrasound pictures or due dates to share. I cannot post all the cute toddler antics that happen in my house because the toddler is not my own. But I am thankful that this is my life. I am thankful for our inability to have more children. It has taken nearly a decade to come to this amount of peace about such a difficult diagnosis. Time has allowed me to see that He was loving me and blessing me by not allowing me to have more biological children.
In our life, infertility is one of our greatest blessings.
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