Smile and nod

Sometimes as a foster parent you just have to smile and nod. People are naturally curious about our life because it is different. There is a lot of secrecy in foster care to protect privacy so it becomes more difficult for people to understand what is really involved in being a foster parent. In most states prospective foster parents have to complete many hours (think 30) of training before they can even start the process to be an approved home. No one checked into our background until the training was complete. A lot of that training is spent on teaching us that the goal of foster care is ALWAYS reunification with the birth family. It always starts with reunification as the focus and the goal.

Most people in the everyday world know a family or child who has experienced adoption from foster care. So I get it when somebody makes a comment that reveals their lack of exposure to foster care. So I am going to address one of the well meaning comments that make me smile and nod. It typically goes something like this, "are you going to adopt her/him?"

Note: I am going to make up scenarios in this post. None of this story is based on children I know or have ever been in my care. Similarities to any child in foster care is purely coincidental (or a result of those 30 hours of training plus continuing education).

In order for a child to be adopted from foster care, the birth parent's parental rights are terminated. It takes a lot for parental rights to be terminated (thank goodness, I really do not like the thought of that being easy). When a child first comes into care, there is an initial hearing. At that point the state presents to the judge the reasons the child was removed. For instance, a newborn is born addicted to drugs, siblings are being neglected because momma is struggling with a meth addiction, a doctor has notified DHR of findings consistent with physical abuse, or any number of other abuse/neglect issues.

If the judge determines that there is enough evidence that the child is in danger if they go home then the child remains in foster care and the parents will be required to complete a case plan to try to demonstrate that they can safely parent. At the beginning, the case worker is also looking for any suitable family members who are willing to take care of the child while the parent works on their plan. This would keep the child with family and out of foster care while the parents work on their plan.

In order for a child to need an adoptive home, the parent would fail to complete the case plan. That might include not providing safe housing, continually failing drug screens, not participating in classes or other parts of the case plan, not remaining in contact with the case worker and essentially abandoning the child, abusing the child again during unsupervised visitation or any combination of those things. It is incredibly sad if you think about it from the goal of foster care. The goal is reunion. The whole system is set up to support a child being able to return home. There are a bunch of people supporting the reunion goal. It takes a lot of tragedy and loss for the parents' rights to be terminated.

Even if the parents' rights are terminated, other family members who can pass the background check can become the child's guardian.

For a child to need a non family adoptive placement, it means that the parents' rights have been terminated and there is no family who is suitable or willing to parent the child.

I would never wish that story on any of my kiddos. I have an adopted son. I know the questions he asks and the love he has for his birth mother. His story is one of a mother who tried to do what was best for him by making the excrutiating decision to place him for adoption. I will not share details here, but it is a story of loss and it is a story of great love as well. It is about as positive an adoption story as you can find (there is always loss in adoption).

I do not know the plans that God has for our family. He may have other forever children in our future. However, I do not hope for that or pine for that. I trust that He knows my future and the future of all of my children (the forever ones and the for now ones). So when somebody asks me about adoption I usually brush past the question because I know enough details to know how much loss that would require.

***this post is based on typical foster care progression. I acknowledge that there are many children adopted from foster care every year, and I rejoice that they have forever families. I acknowledge that there are situations that a child should never return to because it is too abusive. I just wanted to share what I as a foster mom think about when someone mentions adoption because I think it is not a well understood process in the non- foster care world.