My Infertility may be my greatest blessing

This time ten years ago we were waiting on some genetic testing to come back. Genetic testing takes forever because it is complex. I did not wait patiently. I was anxious, irritable, and hard to live with. A few weeks earlier we had received the news that having children was not going to be easy. I was 24 years old, and facing the real possibility that I might not ever be a mother. Those tests did eventually come back. More specialists were involved. We both had surgery (I told you it was complicated), and our options were few.

I raged at God for a long time. I hated what was happening in my life. I knew we wanted to be parents, and I felt like we would at least be decent at it. I could see that my husband would be an excellent father. Our diagnosis made no sense in my mind. We should be able to have children (insert stomping foot and whiny voice here).

From my perspective this was a no brainer, we should be able to have biological children. I realize now that God was not just looking at me and loving me during those dark days. He could see my son's mother in Guatemala, even though she was still really a child then, and knew her needs. He could see our son, and knew he needed a family. He could see the children who will spend a season here who needed to be safe and experience love. He could see my forever children who have been wonderful foster siblings. He could see others who have heard our story and have been encouraged that God loves them too.

He knew my desire to be a mother because he placed it in my heart. He had a beautiful plan for me, and I am so very thankful for the blessings I have been given. I will never again have ultrasound pictures or due dates to share. I cannot post all the cute toddler antics that happen in my house because the toddler is not my own. But I am thankful that this is my life. I am thankful for our inability to have more children. It has taken nearly a decade to come to this amount of peace about such a difficult diagnosis. Time has allowed me to see that He was loving me and blessing me by not allowing me to have more biological children.

In our life, infertility is one of our greatest blessings.