"Don't you want your own children?"

I was recently asked this question by a person who had just found out I was a foster/adoptive mother.  My children were not with me so she was not aware that I do have a biological daughter.  It wasn't relevant to the conversation so I did not clarify the way my children entered our family.  I typically do not clarify for people unless it is necessary.  Biological mothers do not introduce their children via their birth story (thank goodness), therefore, I feel no need to clarify for people in general.

I am indeed infertile.  There have been times when I would love to have had another biological child. More biological children is not going to happen.  I could be snarly when people ask me this, but what good would that do.  So this is how I answered:  "I  consider them ALL my own. In fact I was up at 1:30 am with one who is not my own.  When you are the one handling the middle of the night stuff, they're yours." She laughed and whole heartedly agreed with me.  

You might be a foster parent if . . .

1.  The sight of uncovered outlets make you nervous, even in places that do not involve children.

2. You own more carseats than the number of children living in your home.

3.  You have cleaned the boogers off of another woman's child's nose with your bare hand.

4.  Taking one of your forever children to the doctor and being able to consent to treatment without extra documentation feels too easy.

5.  You have ever made a Mothers Day Card for your "for now" child's mother.

6.  You worry that you might have a surprise visit from a social worker while cleaning and all the chemicals in the house are not locked away.

7.  You wonder if the kiddo in the year's Christmas pictures will be in next years.

8.   You are often called Ms. "child's last name" by doctor's offices (there are days that doesn't feel so good).

9.  You take a less warm than you would like shower every morning so that your home meets all safety requirements, including the hot water setting.

10.  You have sworn you were not going to have to potty train this child only to find yourself singing the potty song a year later to the same child.

11.  You have ever had one of the children in your home placed in your arms for the first time standing in a parking lot.  

12.  Your neighbors can recognize the caseworkers' cars and offer the keep your children during home visits.

13.  You've ever thought "I don't have to do this", and then done it anyway.

14.  Spending an hour with another foster mom feels like you've been granted "permission to speak freely". So much so you have to be careful not to dominate the conversation.

15. You find yourself saying, "you are safe" in the wee hours of the morning while barely conscious.

16.  You have more documentation of your "for now" kids' firsts than you do of your "forever" kids.

17.  You can tell when someone is about to say, "I just couldn't do it, I'd get too attached."(and you smile knowing the little soul at your house NEEDS someone to be too attached).

18.  You agree with the general public - you are a little bit crazy. (and wouldn't change it for anything-including hot showers)

Say something else

"that is going to be so hard on you, when he leaves."

I told my mother the other day that I just want to say "shut up" when people say this to me.  It's not at all insightful and it does not encourage, yet people feel the need to tell me this all the time.  As if I never thought of such a thing.  Today, I've been thinking of other things someone could say instead:

1.  You have a beautiful family.
2.  How did you decide to become foster parents?
3. How can I pray for your family?
4. May God be glorified in this situation.
5.  If you ever need help with your big kids while you take care of foster care requirements we'd love to help out.
6.  Well, he sure is a cutie.
7.  So, what are your other kids up to these days?
8. Have you started your Christmas shopping yet?
9.  Lovely weather we're having.
10. Have a great day!

Think it, talk to God about it, just don't say it to me.

Songs

Foster parents have to take continuing education classes every year. In one of our training courses this year we focused on helping kids from hard places form healthy attachments. We learned some practical things we can do in everyday life to help kids feel secure and loved. I have applied some of what we learned to all of the kiddos in my house. One of my favorites are two songs both sung to the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star". They have become part of the daily activities around here. I thought I would share because they are an easy way to encourage any child.

Here's the first as if I were singing it to my middle son (you make the attributes fit the child)

Twinkle, twinkle little star
What a special boy you are
Soft brown hair and soft, soft cheeks
Bright brown eyes from which you peak
Twinkle, twinkle little star
What a special boy you are

And the other which we call the "Safe" song around here

I am safe and I am strong
Come and sit and sing this song
I grow stronger every day
Everything will be okay
I am safe and I am strong
Come and sit and sing this song

Last night one of the kids in the house was singing the "Safe" song in bed as they fell asleep. Lots of hard work paying off.

Lessons from the first year

This week we turned in our paperwork to renew our foster care approval for another year. It made me think about some of the changes that we have gone through this year, and some of the lessons we have learned.

Here are a few in no particular order

1. God will provide. Big or little. Long term or the next five minutes. God will provide.

2. Paperwork. Don't over think it. Just get it done.

3. Be kind to caseworkers. Be pleasant on the phone or when they are in your home.

4. Sit quietly and let the caseworker talk during your monthly home visit. You will learn a lot more that way.

5. The first few weeks of a placement are tough ask for and accept help.

6. Nothing is for sure until it is in the past tense. Nothing.

7. It is okay if bedtime is a little late some nights. Let it go.

8. Moving from man to man defense to a zone defense is hard. Give it some time.

9. If the day included: three meals, a snack or two, clean clothes, a nap, and a bedtime story it was successful.

10. I could have a clean house, but I would have to get rid of my family.

11. There will always be more laundry.

12. Daddy bears may be more fiercely protective than mama bears.

13. My kids can handle a lot if I support them and am honest with them.

14. There are orphans in the US.

15. To be asked and allowed to care for a child caught in the storms that lead to a foster care placement is a blessing.

16. Grapes washed off and served in a cereal bowl is an appropriate side dish if that means I get some extra time with my family.

17. Sometimes I get really tired of dealing with the aftermath of problems that I did not create.

18. A sense of humor is so important. Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.

19. Dora can save your sanity.

20. My calendar is merely a suggestion. All entries are subject to change.

My girl teaches me about the heart

Tonight I had a few minutes with just my big girl. The little one was around, but safely occupied. I asked her if she ever worried about what it will be like when this one leaves since it is becoming such a long placement. This is a paraphrase of our conversation:

Big girl: sometimes I do because ______ has a big part in my heart.

Me: that's true, that place in our hearts has really grown since _______ has been here so long.

Big Girl: that will always be _______'s place in my heart. I'm never going to give that spot away. I will miss ______, but I will still have this place in my heart.

Me: no, you never have to give it away or forget. It will hurt, but we will be glad we had this time together I think.

Big girl: I mean I may grow a new spot if we have someone else in our house, but that will always be ______'s spot. God can make your heart as big as you need it to be so that you can love lots of people. Everyone gets there own spot in your heart. You never know how big your heart can grow.

Me: you are exactly right.




My big girl has a better understanding of love than I do I think. I wonder how big her heart will grow . . .

Daily

Daily I receive this comment, "it is going to be so hard on you and your family when they have to go back." Daily. Sometimes multiple times a day.

I never know what to say. I find myself trying to make the commenter feel better, but on the inside it just plain hurts. It kind of stabs, and reminds me that I am only the interim. I stand in someone else's place for a time. Trouble is I don't know how long this "time" may last.

Sometimes it makes me wonder why we are doing this. Why are we submitting ourselves to a relationship that involves so much time, love, sacrifice, loss of sleep, loss of freedom, loss of privacy that will not last?

Then I remember the story and circumstances that created the need for this relationship. A child in need of foster care has often been abused, neglected, in pain, abandoned, and lost more than I will lose when this relationship ends. If I can take a little of the pain off a little one for a while then my pain is worthwhile. If I can help them heal while I keep them safe then we all benefit.

What if we had said no? The need would have still been there because we did not create the need. We were willing to meet a need, but hoped we would never be needed (we were needed within 6 weeks of being approved). We would have missed out. We are a different family today for the better.

Usually I end up saying something like, "it's worth it" and then I smile. What no one sees is I am teary behind that smile. I'm sad because they are right it will hurt. I'm sad because I know the story that created the need for foster care. I'm sad because my pain is not more valuable than that of a abused or neglected child. I'm sad because sometimes this is a lonely road, and when someone points out the hurt then I feel alone on the road.

35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,
36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.'
37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?
38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?
39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?'
40 And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.' Matthew 25:35-40