I have struggled with whether or not to publish this.  I have written, rewritten, and deleted several times.  Today, I'm calling it done, and just sharing a thought from my heart.  I'm okay if you don't agree.

I don't understand mommy wars. You know the ones where we line up on our favorite side of a first world mommy issue.  None of them being life and death issues.  Most of them being issues that are individual family decisions based on the needs of that particular family. 

 If we were parenting robots all built in the exact same factory with the exact same parts and history then maybe. But really, we are parenting children.  Not a one of whom is the same. They all have a different history, and are being parented by parents with different backgrounds.  It is never going to look the same and that is okay.

I have three kids living in my home right now. Both genders.  Three ages. Three VERY different histories.  They give and receive love differently.  They think differently.  My word, they sleep, sit, and walk differently.  

One parenting strategy does not fit all here.  

It grates on my nerves when we judge each others parenting choices.  I think part of it is because if the me from 9 years ago could see me now she would judge me.  She would not approve of some of the things I do now.  I have changed my mind on some things. Some of the things I did when I only had one child will not work with three.  Some of the things I thought could only be done one way can be done several ways.  Some of the things I could use to parent my biological child will not work in foster/adoption land.

I am now parenting children with trauma and loss histories.  It's a different world altogether than typical parenting.  I'm also parenting someone else's children because of very real parenting missteps (I'm being soft in my terminology here).   Choices were made, a child was in danger, and the decision had to be made to REMOVE that child from its birth family.  Mommy wars are silly in light of what some kids are dealing with every day.

And finally, mommy wars are based on judging others.  I get judged every day because of the look of my family.  People make assumptions about who we are and how our family has been built based on our appearance.  They make assumptions about my kids that may or may not be true.  It's overstepping.  And at times it gets on my nerves.  

So I refuse to participate in mommy wars.  I trust that most moms are making decisions based on what is best for their family, their children, and themselves as mothers.  I have stared into the face of situations where mom doesn't know how to parent, is unable to parent, is unwilling to parent, or lacks the environmental supports to parent.  This is not the breast feeding vs. bottle debate, the vaccination debate, the working debate, or the schooling debate.  This is serious stuff with serious consequences for the whole biological family. Cycles of abuse continue when this mess is left unchecked.

I was blessed with a family who taught me how to parent by parenting me.  I have a husband who supports me and my children.  I have family and friends who encourage me in my daily life. I am doing the best I can, and I am extremely blessed.  Most of us are.  If we would take our eyes off of our own lives for a minute, maybe we could make a difference for someone who has not had the same blessings.