I have a ton of things I need to accomplish today, but I'm not getting much done because I can tell I need to write.  I am mentally writing while I'm trying to do laundry and clean out kid closets for the change of seasons.  It's not working, so I'm taking a few minutes to write in the hopes of a more productive afternoon.  

I'm tired.  This month has been one of those where you just keep waiting for the next shoe to fall.  Not the other shoe, because several shoes have already fallen.  Just the next shoe.

In the midst of this month, I have greatly desired to know what our family will look like this time next year.  I'm longing for some stability in the midst of so much upheaval, uncertainty, and change.  (I can only imagine how the children caught in foster care limbo must feel.)  

I have been through these phases during our time as foster parents already.  Times when I just want to know where in the world we are headed.  Times when I want to prepare my heart for the future.  Times when I let the uncertainty of this life grow into fear and heartache.  When I let the fear grow, I become irritable and easily frustrated with normal life with young children.  It's not pretty, and I know better.  I have got to let go of my desire to control this life (again, for the umpteenth time). If I don't, my children are going to be wearing sweaters in July because I'm never going to get these clothes changed out.

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34.

You might be a foster mom if . . .

You might be a foster mom if you go shopping for the Easter baskets and you make sure everything is even in all baskets just as you would if you had the promise of forever with all your children.  Taking time to make age appropriate choices with everyone's tastes in mind.  Enjoying day dreaming about the excitement as the kids discover the treats that you picked out.  Sometimes getting to be the mom is really fun.

 And then the sadness as you remember that there is another who either cannot, will not, or is currently unable to participate in these joyful times as a mother. You wish she was in a place to hear those squeals on Sunday morning.   And in your own joy as a mom you grieve with her, and hope one day a healthy relationship can exist.  

Field trip and a little education (or I'm proud I didn't hurt a 7 year old)

Today I had the pleasure of going on a field trip with my middle guy.  He's mine forever so I am allowed to tell stories about him without breaking foster care rules.

My son is hispanic with shiny dark brown hair, gorgeous skin, and almond shaped eyes.  He's full of personality and kids are drawn to him.  As we toured the zoo together it was obvious lots of kids know him.  We gathered back with his class for a picnic lunch near the end of the trip.  I was helping make sure all lunches were passed out, hands sanitized, etc. About that time, my son called me "mom" because he needed help.  When I came to help him, one of the little girls took notice.  We had the following conversation in front of my son's class and several parents.  

Little girl: Are you his mom?
Me:  Yes. (notice I do not offer more information)
Another little boy:  "my son" is adopted.
Little girl to me: is he adopted?
Me to my son: are you adopted? (I gave him the control here so I could read his comfort level)
My son: yes! (completely confident, no hesitation)
Little girl:  oh so that's why you don't look alike.
Me: that's right, but I'm still his mom.  I still do all the mom stuff even though we don't look alike (as I'm peeling his orange).
Little girl: so where is is REAL mom.
Me:  I'm right here, I am his real mom.
Little girl: no I mean who gave "my son" away. 
Me (fully aware that every child and adult present is waiting for my answer): no one gave "my son" away. 
My son: I've got two moms! One in "place where he was born" and one right there! (said so proudly and with great love for both of us)
A few kids did try to argue the point, but I assured them that he does in fact have two mothers.

Another mom later told me she thought I handled their questions well.  I was just glad that I reigned in mama bear when sweet precious child asked who gave my son away.  But it got me thinking.  I have had many conversations about adoption with my children.  We pray for all birth families represented in this house every night at bedtime.  This is our normal, and we have done our best to prepare our kids for the curiosity of this world.  They typically handle themselves very well in these situations.  I was glad to hear my guy share a tiny bit of his story with confidence, love, and pride.  

**Here's my quick request for families who are not built by adoption.  When your children ask you questions about how my family is built can you please not use the words "real mom" or "give away".  I am real.  My son's birth mother is real.  No one is fake ( the opposite of real).  He has a first mom, a biological mom, a tummy mom, a birth mom - any of those names will do.  He also has me.  He has two REAL moms.  No one gave my son away.  He needed a family due to difficult circumstances in his birth family.  Thanks.  That would help us adoptive moms out a bunch.  

Eleven years

I'm a date person.  I can tell you the date of significant events in my life.  For instance, I know the date of my senior prom.  Wish I had those brain cells for something a bit more current.  

Because of this tendency to remember dates, I will sometimes write a date and feel like it looks familiar.  Last week, I realized that it has been eleven years since we got the first indication that we were not on the easy path to parenthood.  Eleven years.  I can see things so much more clearly now when I look over my shoulder back over those years.  It reminds me that one day it will be eleven years from today.  I will be able to see a more complete picture of today.

So if I could tell my eleven years younger self a couple things I think it would go something like this.

1.  One day you will thank God for your inability to build your family like you planned. I promise.  That sounds crazy now, but it will happen.

2.  Right now you cannot imagine loving a child you did not give birth to, but one day you will find out that you are capable of loving lots of kiddos.

3.  God is not punishing you.  He loves you, but He doesn't love just you.  Giving you what you want right now would leave some kiddos without the mom that He prepared for them.  They are the children of your heart.  They need you more than you need to be pregnant.

4.  One day it will mean more to you that others see your Father in your journey than any dream you ever had.

5.  Most of the kiddos in your home in 11 years will not have blue eyes.  I understand that you and your husband both have blue eyes and therefore so should your children.  Just trust me on this.

6.  Infertility will teach you that you are not in control.  You're going to need that lesson in order to trust God with your family, your children, and your future.  It will make you a better mom than you would have been without infertility.

7.  That step you cried on the other night when you just didn't understand how and why this was all happening.  One day you will have a picture of you and your children together in that same spot.  It will be a precious reminder that God is faithful.  

Wonder what  I will want to tell myself eleven years from now . . . 

Broken, but made new

Last night I had to run an errand that was more driving than errand. The errand part only took about 5 minutes, but the driving was more like 35+. I took the oldest and youngest with me because the daddy was with the middle.

My girl chatted away from the backseat about several topics in her middle elementary mind. As we neared home, she needed to relive the story of the youngest's entry into foster care. This happens sometimes because we are open with our kiddos about why a child would need to be in foster care. We also are very open with them as the case progresses, always emphasizing that the little one has a family who is working to bring them back home safely. We always emphasize that God has a plan for everyone in our home. Sometimes my kiddos need to work some of their thoughts and feelings out by asking questions.

I answered her questions to the best of my ability, and then she blew me away. I thought we were done, and started focusing on what we would need to accomplish when we got home in order to get everyone to bed on time. From the back seat my girl says, "Mom, one day our family will break because ________ will leave. It will hurt, but I know that God will put it back together again. We just need to love ________ today."

Oh to have the faith of a child.


You know people ask me sometimes if I worry about my forever kids growing up with foster siblings. If I worry that it will be too hard on them. The most honest answer is sometimes I do worry about them, but the truth is I should not. God has a plan. My daughter trusts him with her family's life because He is the only one who holds our future. She trusts that no matter what hurt may be ahead of us, that God loves us, He has a plan for us, and he will bring beauty from ashes. She believes these things because she is seeing them lived out in front of her little eyes. My children have benefitted from this road in ways I don't think we will fully comprehend until they are much older.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Phillipians 1:6

What's in a name?

There are a couple of conversations I seem to have fairly often.  One of them involves why foster children call me, the foster mother, "mom".  The scene typically goes something like this: I'm at some event for my big kids while wrangling a little one.  Most of our acquaintances in our community know that we are foster parents so I do not have to explain why little one is there.  At some point, I will be talking to someone, and little one will call me "mom".  Then I get the surprised question, "your foster children call you mom?"

Yes, they do.  I refer to myself as "momma my first name", but really our age range is 0-4.  What toddler wants to have to say "momma my first name" every time they need something?  Do you realize how often toddlers say "momma" in a day?  So typically they shorten it to just momma or even mommy.

Why don't I just call myself by some other name then?  A couple of reasons.

 Number one, I have two forever children.  I am their mom, forever.  They have always called me mom.  Even if I referred to myself as some other name the volume of times I am called mom far outweighs the number of times I refer to myself.  Toddlers learn to talk based on what they hear.  In my house, they are going to hear me being referred to as "mom" often (sometimes much too often).

Number two, in this house my job title is "mom".  I do the mom stuff.  I make the home, I snuggle scared kiddos, kiss boo boos, help the bigs with homework and friend drama, I pack the lunches, I sign the school folders, I make dinner, I am the mom.  Therefore, I do not have a problem with kiddos who are here temporarily calling me mom.  It's my title here, it's what I do.   It is appropriate if a child wants to call me mom for them to be allowed to call me mom. (I would never require a for now child to call me mom).

Number three, I have no desire to differentiate my kiddos based on their current life situation.  I have forever kids and for now kids.  The whole world does not need to know which is which when we are walking down the street.  I have no problem with a child calling me by my first name or another name they are comfortable with, but if they prefer "mom" I will not try to change it.  Kids in foster care already have to deal with so many things that are not typical in childhood, I'm not going to add one more thing to that list.

Number four, it may even be beneficial for the relationship with whoever becomes the permanent mom (whether they go home, go to family, stay here, or are adopted by another family).  When my son (the forever one I'm allowed to talk about) came to our family he had been calling several women "mama" for nearly two years.  They filled the role, and he called them by that title.  The first night he was with us he called me "mama" because he recognized the role.  He had been well cared for and kept secure.  He learned to trust his caregivers, and because of that he was able to transfer the bonds he had with those first "mamas" to his forever mom.  It took an adjustment time, but the gift they gave our family by teaching my boy what a mom does is invaluable.  They were his "middle" moms.  As a foster mom, I now fill the middle mom role and yes sometimes the for now kiddos call me "mom".  It really is okay.

(I should probably add that I do refer to the biological mother as "mom". I never refer to myself as just mom so it does not seem to confuse kids. Adults, yes. Kids, no.)

Where's your buddy?

My daughter has been a part of girl scouts for the last three years.  She has a wonderful troop and an incredible troop leader.  I love those girls and their moms like they are part of our extended family.  Her troop leader demonstrates a really great balance of keeping the girls safe while fostering their individuality, independence, and  curiosity.  A big part of girl scout rules is to always have a buddy.  For safety reasons obviously, but our girls have gained so much more than safety from our constant insistence that they have a buddy.  They have learned to be compassionate and patient with one another, and learned to get along with personalities different  from their own.  I love to hear the call when we are on outings, "where's your buddy?" because it reminds me that my girl is not alone.  She is learning to look out for others and lean on others as well.

For nearly the first year of this foster care journey, I really did not have other foster mom friends.  I really didn't have anybody in my life who fully understood what my life was changing into.  I have sweet friends who have supported me, and listened to me share the few things I was able to share.  Privacy issues prevented me from truly baring my heart and concerns.  It was incredibly isolating.  I felt like my heart was screaming, "where's your buddy?"

So I started to pray.  I needed someone with tangible arms and a real understanding of life as a foster family.  

My husband and I went away for our anniversary in the fall.  For the first time we used respite, and I really got to know one of the other foster moms at our agency.  She turned around and introduced me to several others.  

Over the past several months I have been able to get to know those foster moms better.  I have been able to reach out in the tough times to people who have more understanding of the things we are facing. I have been able to share in more detail what is going on with cases because I am talking with foster moms from our agency.    I have been able to listen to the testimonies of God's faithfulness even when dealing with very difficult circumstances.  I have heard folks who look like they have got this foster mom thing down say, "this stuff is hard and it's okay to need help".  I have felt less alone.

Right about the time that our journey is picking up speed on the roller coaster, God has given me my buddies.  To Him be the glory.


9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.
10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!
11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?
12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him-a threefold cord is not quickly broken.  (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)