There are a couple of conversations I seem to have fairly often. One of them involves why foster children call me, the foster mother, "mom". The scene typically goes something like this: I'm at some event for my big kids while wrangling a little one. Most of our acquaintances in our community know that we are foster parents so I do not have to explain why little one is there. At some point, I will be talking to someone, and little one will call me "mom". Then I get the surprised question, "your foster children call you mom?"
Yes, they do. I refer to myself as "momma my first name", but really our age range is 0-4. What toddler wants to have to say "momma my first name" every time they need something? Do you realize how often toddlers say "momma" in a day? So typically they shorten it to just momma or even mommy.
Why don't I just call myself by some other name then? A couple of reasons.
Number one, I have two forever children. I am their mom, forever. They have always called me mom. Even if I referred to myself as some other name the volume of times I am called mom far outweighs the number of times I refer to myself. Toddlers learn to talk based on what they hear. In my house, they are going to hear me being referred to as "mom" often (sometimes much too often).
Number two, in this house my job title is "mom". I do the mom stuff. I make the home, I snuggle scared kiddos, kiss boo boos, help the bigs with homework and friend drama, I pack the lunches, I sign the school folders, I make dinner, I am the mom. Therefore, I do not have a problem with kiddos who are here temporarily calling me mom. It's my title here, it's what I do. It is appropriate if a child wants to call me mom for them to be allowed to call me mom. (I would never require a for now child to call me mom).
Number three, I have no desire to differentiate my kiddos based on their current life situation. I have forever kids and for now kids. The whole world does not need to know which is which when we are walking down the street. I have no problem with a child calling me by my first name or another name they are comfortable with, but if they prefer "mom" I will not try to change it. Kids in foster care already have to deal with so many things that are not typical in childhood, I'm not going to add one more thing to that list.
Number four, it may even be beneficial for the relationship with whoever becomes the permanent mom (whether they go home, go to family, stay here, or are adopted by another family). When my son (the forever one I'm allowed to talk about) came to our family he had been calling several women "mama" for nearly two years. They filled the role, and he called them by that title. The first night he was with us he called me "mama" because he recognized the role. He had been well cared for and kept secure. He learned to trust his caregivers, and because of that he was able to transfer the bonds he had with those first "mamas" to his forever mom. It took an adjustment time, but the gift they gave our family by teaching my boy what a mom does is invaluable. They were his "middle" moms. As a foster mom, I now fill the middle mom role and yes sometimes the for now kiddos call me "mom". It really is okay.
(I should probably add that I do refer to the biological mother as "mom". I never refer to myself as just mom so it does not seem to confuse kids. Adults, yes. Kids, no.)
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