Eleven years

I'm a date person.  I can tell you the date of significant events in my life.  For instance, I know the date of my senior prom.  Wish I had those brain cells for something a bit more current.  

Because of this tendency to remember dates, I will sometimes write a date and feel like it looks familiar.  Last week, I realized that it has been eleven years since we got the first indication that we were not on the easy path to parenthood.  Eleven years.  I can see things so much more clearly now when I look over my shoulder back over those years.  It reminds me that one day it will be eleven years from today.  I will be able to see a more complete picture of today.

So if I could tell my eleven years younger self a couple things I think it would go something like this.

1.  One day you will thank God for your inability to build your family like you planned. I promise.  That sounds crazy now, but it will happen.

2.  Right now you cannot imagine loving a child you did not give birth to, but one day you will find out that you are capable of loving lots of kiddos.

3.  God is not punishing you.  He loves you, but He doesn't love just you.  Giving you what you want right now would leave some kiddos without the mom that He prepared for them.  They are the children of your heart.  They need you more than you need to be pregnant.

4.  One day it will mean more to you that others see your Father in your journey than any dream you ever had.

5.  Most of the kiddos in your home in 11 years will not have blue eyes.  I understand that you and your husband both have blue eyes and therefore so should your children.  Just trust me on this.

6.  Infertility will teach you that you are not in control.  You're going to need that lesson in order to trust God with your family, your children, and your future.  It will make you a better mom than you would have been without infertility.

7.  That step you cried on the other night when you just didn't understand how and why this was all happening.  One day you will have a picture of you and your children together in that same spot.  It will be a precious reminder that God is faithful.  

Wonder what  I will want to tell myself eleven years from now . . .